The Sickness is Myself

I’ve always known I was different. Not only in who I am, but the way I think. I’ve always prided myself in being the weird one, but it wasn’t until recently that I started really delving into it. I’d been telling my mom for quite some time that there’s something wrong with my mental processes, especially in the emotions department. Always leaning toward the negative, I started thinking I was somewhat sociopathic. Luckily for me, I’m not THAT damaged. As it turns out there isn’t anything ‘wrong’, I’ve just been dealing with a mild form of autism. Chances are YOU had absolutely no idea. But that’s good. That means I’ve been doing well. If you could see into my head though… you’d probably be concerned.

I suppose we should go back to the beginning, since that’s when people are usually diagnosed a disorder like autism. The major criteria are supposed to appear before three years of age. I definitely fit into that mold. When I was three weeks old, I travelled for the first time. This first dramatic change of environment brought on extreme bouts colitis, vomiting, and a general sense of chaos in my nervous system. My system continued to be under shock at any slight change and I had to be fed predigested formula to help my terrified little body. It was obvious that I was oversensitive, but no one really looked that much into it, besides my mom, who worked as a speech pathologist and has her MA in psychology. My grandmother thought I was deaf for awhile because I was unresponsive when I was spoken to. I didn’t make eye contact and I never sought out social interactions I always had to be forced into them No one was ever allowed to touch me without consent, but I enjoyed sleeping in enclosed spaces and wrapping myself tightly in blankets. My favorite place to sleep was in the closet (buh dum). I pretended I couldn’t crawl, although it was obvious I was moving around somehow. I never babbled, but moved directly to full words and sentences at a later age. I used toys “incorrectly.” Really, I just made them suit my purpose. A family friend insisted I needed some dolls. My mom later found them decapitated and naked, hanging upside down in my closet. I dunno what that purpose was… Tantrums were a common occurrence, especially if I were at all tired. Noise and other uncontrollable environmental factors would set me off into a panic.

In elementary school I never had many friends. Teachers were drawn to me, and sometimes students… but probably just because I’m so weird. Those few people I did call friends were extremely close. Around puberty things got a lot worse. 13-14 were really difficult years. If I hadn’t had the amazing support from my family and the best teacher ever- Mrs Gina Aldridge- I probably wouldn’t have made it through. The depression got severe enough that I had to be put on meds and all my sharp objects were taken away. I found true friendship in a little rodent named Lucky, and I’ve continued to steal and foster them ever since. Animals have always been so much easier for me to relate to. You can bond with them solely through touch and feel their emotions through the tension of their muscles. There aren’t slight social cues or body language that I could miss but an unconditional love that I desperately needed.

Being gay on top of all of this was probably what pushed things over the edge during puberty. I sure as hell didn’t know how to deal with it, or even process it. I honestly don’t remember a lot of high school. I didn’t do much. My health started going to crap my junior year and I was diagnosed with IBS. The rest is kind of a blur. I remember GSA and ceramics, English… but nothing social. I preferred being alone. I spent a lot of senior year building a castle in ceramics for my rats. I stayed after school for homework and other school-related things, but never anything social.I tried going to clubs when I turned 18, but I really didn’t fit into that scene. I would get sick a lot before I went, which sometimes hindered me from even going… but I somehow persisted.

College has really been the major eye opener. I’d always been trying to figure out just what it is that’s so strange about my mental faculties, but it wasn’t until this past month that I was enlightened to all this new information about my early childhood. Not all forms of autism are debilitating, especially if it’s caught early and facilitated well. I was really lucky that my mom worked with special needs kids. She always gave me the attention I required and most of my awkwardness isn’t noticeable. However, I think I can attribute a lot of that to theatre. I used the plays I did to learn how people act in social settings. I could practice being someone else and interacting in a group and it was safe because it wasn’t me, but the character. As hard as I tried though, I was never able to actually feel what the character would and I think that’s one reason I stopped.

It’s not that I don’t have any emotions, because I definitely do. I feel happiness when I accomplish something or someone praises me for whatever reason. Sadness is easy. Anger is harder, but when it does come, it’s very intense. All of my emotions are quite intense, but they’re also fleeting. I can’t hold grudges because I can’t hold onto the emotions tied to it. All of the emotions inevitably fade and I’m not even sure what they feel like until they come back again. I don’t understand complex emotions at all. How people can have opposing emotions at one time is completely beyond me. Happy and sad at the same time? Deep love quickly changing to rage? Nope. Still, I do notice that negative emotions can last a lot longer and be much more powerful. I’ve had some short bursts of intense joy, but they’re few and far between. Most of the time, assuming I’ve been taking my meds, I’m in a content state of nothing and my mood is dependent on my energy level. Without my meds, I’m the brooding monster of grumbleland. I don’t ever know why. Sometimes there doesn’t seem to be a reason for the depression, so I blame it on the imbalance.

I didn’t even realize I was learning emotions when I was younger. I figured everyone learned through observation, and they do to an extent. People generally have the emotions tied to the actions though, which makes it a lot easier. I still have to watch how people react to certain situations and emulate them. I have no emotional empathy. I deal with everything in a logical sense, so emotions are very frustrating for me, especially other peoples’ emotions. I’ve always tried treating people the way I would want to be treated… so I usually do the wrong thing. If I’m upset for any reason, my answer is always seclusion and silence, but apparently people want comfort when they’re upset. This is still very strange to me. I always thought I should feel guilty for not being empathetic… and it bothered me that I didn’t. It’s actually pretty nice being detached from some things, at least for me. I’m sure it’s hard for other people to wonder why I don’t react normally to things. I DO have physical empathy. Pain is one thing I understand without question. I think that’s one reason I’ve relied on it so much. It’s always a certainty and it’s something I can control… well, not really. Depends on the situation. I can’t turn my fibro off, but controlled situations like tattoos and piercings provide a nice outlet. Love is the hardest, but I’ve had a lot of help. There are just so many facets... All I can offer is my loyalty and devotion. I don’t know what else, if anything, is supposed to be involved. I learned jealousy through Denise. I’d never felt that before- Ugliest emotion ever. I know people say anger is a bad emotion too, but that doesn’t make any sense. Why is it bad to feel angry? Sure, it’s not fun, but it’s how you release negative energy. If you don’t allow yourself to get angry, you’re going to explode.

It’s very difficult for me to form strong relationships with people. It’s hard to trust when all I can think about are the ulterior motives of others. I ALWAYS think people have bad intentions or are looking to manipulate others. I haven’t the slightest idea why, but mistrust and cynicism are always my first reactions, to anything really. It’s always such a shock to me when people are interested in hanging out with me or spending time with me. I always think people are lying to me. I think that’s because I have to fake so many emotions that I project my dishonesty onto other people. I guess it’s not really dishonest… I’m just trying to act human. But people terrify me, especially men. I still haven’t figured that one out. I get attached to places and animals more than anything else. I’m so in love with England. *sigh* Something I found interesting, which is common in autism, is the fear of not being let into your special place. Every time I have to go through customs to get into England I have to remind myself that I have proper documentation and they’re going to let me in, otherwise I panic. Objects are easy to attach to, too. I’m very to everything I brought back from Silchester, especially Skull Rock. I find comfort in arranging my little trinkets that have special meaning only to me. It’s like a secret I have…with myself.

I’ve always lived in my head. My imagination has always been so much more interesting than anything else going on. All of my thoughts are pictures, colors, videos- memory replay. I remember things visually. Music is my favorite because very song is like my own little movie. I really like categories and structure. It’s easier for me to understand things that have been strictly categorized and analyzed to their fullest. School was great because it was structured and repetitive. I like rules and guidelines and to know exactly what’s expected of me. I need to be able to have control over my categories and the boundaries aren’t to be played with. Boundaries are never to be broken. It’s almost always unforgivable. There are reasons I keep my spheres separate and unless you’re invited, you best stay in the sphere you belong to. Trust is granted on a deserved basis. If there is a disruption in my categories, boundaries, or structure, I shut down. Any threat to my stability is ridiculously terrifying. I’ve lived a lot of my life in fear because of my inability to cope with change. Travel still makes me sick. New places are cornucopias of stress and anxiety attacks. Surprises are hard, especially when they could possibly threaten my safe spaces. Finding out someone else had a key to the apartment sent me into a ridiculous spiral of pure terror. I need a lot of notice before something is going to be changed, and practicing the change is necessary if I’m going to handle it with any kind of finesse.

When I was at NAU I chose to emulate the WRONG personality and it really got me into trouble. After everything, I had a break in the mental ward and looking back at it, it’s a classic autism tantrum. It started with panic. I had to grip my sweatshirt and rock back and forth so I didn’t lash out and scratch someone. I struggled really hard not to start banging my head against the glass and biting people. It was a complete loss of control. I felt like a wild animal and had absolutely no way to communicate my intense fear to those around me. It wasn’t until I had been sedated that logic started coming back and the fight or flee instinct started to fade. After that incident, I had to be completely resocialized.

I’m a very different person now than I was two years ago. I still have the same basic moral principles, but the way I interact with people has changed. I never wanted anyone to see how hard I struggled to look normal so I had a wall in the way, but I’ve come to terms with the impossibility of being ‘normal,’ and really, no one wants to be normal anyway. What I find most interesting is my ability to look at all of this objectively and analyze myself.

Through all of this, Anna and Amy have put up with SO much of my shit. They helped me get back to who I really am, rather than who I wanted to pretend to be. Anna has been the balance I needed to get back on my feet and stop being scared of the world again. She gave me the capacity to love, something I was afraid I would never really feel. There were always glimmers of a possibility of feeling that way about someone, but never as certain as this. It’s very hard for me to form bonds with people, the same way I do things and places, but they’ve made it easy and have supported me through everything. I don’t know where I’d be without them, or my other amazing friends and family. All I can say is thank you. Maybe now that I know more about my own mental capacity, I think I’ll be able to handle change and new environments better. I hope. I don’t need any repeats of San Francisco. I love you all. You’re wonderful for putting up with me and caring enough to read this.

<3

Constant Struggle

I guess you could say I still haven't accepted my diagnosis of fibromyalgia. I'm only 22. I'm too young for this, right? How does a bad infection lead to an incurable disease?

Sure, the pain is real, the depression, migraines constant fatigue and the myriad of other symptoms are real... so why can't I accept that the disease itself is real when it's had such an impact on everything else. When I see Dr's who don't believe this disease is real, it gets ingrained in my subconscious and I start to think I'm just psychosomatic.

More than anything, I've wanted to be a field archaeologist. But when I returned to the field this past summer to continue excavations on a Roman Britain site just south of London, I couldn't do it. The energy wasn't there. The pain was too great. The migraines were overbearing and as much as I love sleeping in a tent and roughing it for a couple months, my body just can't handle it. What do you do when your dreams are shattered by something you can't even begin to control or understand?

There's this vicious cycle of pain-depression-pain that I can't seem to break. I blame myself for being so sluggish and exhausted, but when I try to accomplish things, the pain only increases until I'm debilitated. My activity level has gone almost to nil. I missed a whole year of classes trying to figure out what's been wrong with me. I've lost so much time and feel like I've failed myself, that I'm continually failing myself. I'm stronger than this. Why am I submitting?

I know I've always had extremely high expectations for myself. Sometimes they're way beyond my reach, and even though I can see that, I still expect myself to be able to reach them. But this... horrible barrier has all but broken me and I just don't know how to cope. I worry that there's no solution for the pain constantly throbbing and burning through my legs. Narcotics do nothing, nor do I particularly want them. I'm starting to consider using MJ medically, but I still worry that it will just make me lazier and I still won't get anything completed. Even with my strict discipline, I fear falling back into an addiction I just recently broke out of.

I guess I just don't know what to do, or how to help myself. I'm frightened and I feel alone in this, although I know I have plenty of support. I feel guilty for cancelling plans with friends, not making it to class, not being as productive as I used to be. I'm open to any thoughts, suggestions, anything at all. Any help would be so greatly appreciated. Even just knowing someone understands is more than enough. I don't like being this vulnerable, but I know I can't let my pride stand in the way of getting the help I need.

I feel so selfish when I have to make my parents come home because it's not safe for me to be by myself anymore. I never thought i'd bring myself to ask, but it was either that or something much worse. I feel like such a burden becase I can't even be trusted to be alone when I crash and burn for absolutely no reason. I thought I was passed this, I'm not 13 anymore. But here it came again, forcing me to be sedated so I stop twitching and bawling, causing me to vomit up the medicine that's supposed to be my hold on sanity. I've never felt more ashamed and pathetic, which only leads to anger the need to punish myself for another failure. I'm glad I've made so much progress. Good job self. Way to fuck it all up again.

The one thing I want more than anything else I don't feel like I have the right to ask for :/

5/09/09

I don't even know why I'm writing on here... I probably shouldn't be, but it's not like I have anything else to do. That's a lie, I just don't want to do anything... at all. I definitely don't have a reason to be this emotional right now, and yet I'm such a complete and utter train wreck. No, it's more like a train ran into a nuclear power plant. I don't remember the last time I cried like this. I probably at least had a reason then.

I used to love being alone. Now I can't stand it. It's terrifying be left alone with your thoughts when you're so mean to yourself. At least when someone else is here, I'm not beating myself up for being so behind in school, for being too sick to do anything. I keep telling myself I'm psychosomatic since no one ever finds anything wrong. I must be lying to myself, right? There's probably nothing even wrong with me, besides the fact that I'm a headcase.

Why the fuck can't I focus? Why don't I care? What happened to me? I used to have so many friends but I've become this horribly antisocial person who never talks to anyone anymore. I feel like I've been taking steps backward from my complete meltdown last year, and I can't get out of the cycle. I was going to be so successful... but now what? Why don't I care? Why do I want to go into a dreamless sleep and never wake up? Why am I so heinously depressed? I have no right to feel like this. I have everything I could ever want.

But this has just been the past few days, right? I don't always feel like this. I was happy recently. I remember saying it, but I'm so far down that hole right now that I can't remember what it felt like. I have no faith in myself anymore, I have no faith in the world. Everything in this country is going to shit, so what's the point? I didn't used to roll over and give up, but it's like the fight has been sucked out of me. I want to know what happened to the happy, opinionated, friendly, social me. I liked her. She was actually accomplishing things I don't like this selfish, greedy, empty shell.

See, I shouldn't be writing, but I don't have any other outlet. I know I don't always feel like this. I couldn't- I wouldn't have made it. But when you're trapped in this void, it seems like there's nothing else. I'll just continue to count on myself to cope the only way I know how.

:/

I know it's been awhile, but nothing's really changed and whining about fibro pain gets old really quickly. I know no one wants to hear me complain. Hell, I don't want to hear me complain either. Anyway, this was my summer. It was... well... not as spectacular as last year.

I was really hoping that when I went back to England this summer, all of these medical issues would magically disappear and I'd be so ridiculously happy to be playing in the dirt that nothing would matter. If only. I was supposed to be on site for 8 weeks, including debackfill and backfill, as well as the six regular weeks of digging. Unfortunately, after the first week, which was just preparing the site for the students, I was already feeling it. I pushed it another two weeks before talking to my parents about how miserable I actually was. I'd put on that facade of "everything's wonderful!" for as long as I could. Not only was my body rebelling every chance it could, my migraines had increased to anywhere from one to four times a week. Not only did they become more prevelent, but they've started inducing vomiting and triggering the rest of my pain into starting super flares. The constant rainy weather kept my joints achy and non-functional. Every time I bent down my knees made a horrible cracking noise and half the time I fell over. There were nights I couldn't sleep at all because my hips were throbbing so intensely I couldn't find a comfortable position that took enough eight off of them. Even codeine didn't seem to even dull the pain, nor did alcohol. I didn't get to go to a single party at Silch. Pirate night was hindered by a migraine, as was beer festival. Other nights I was just too sore and exhausted to stay conscious past dinner.

In the end... well, I didn't make to the end. I decided it would be best to come home early so I wouldn't end up back in the hospital because I pushed it too far. I did, in fact, push it a lot more than I should have. Even though I'm back in a real bed, with a real shower and air conditioning, I'm still really struggling to adjust. I'm still covered in Tinea Versicolor from the humidity in England, which keeps me exhausted. I don't like being a host for some stupid fungus. The vasculitis seems to be returning and despite being in a dry climate, my joints still hate me. My migraines haven't eased up at all and I'm kind of at a loss as to what I'm supposed to do to help my body cope. I'm either sleeping all day, completely debilitated, or combating sleep paralysis and having horrifying hallucinations. Regardless of the amount of sleep I get, I'm sooooo very tired. I've tried keeping a normal schedule, and I've succeeded.... once. I can't keep my eyes open.

It's hard not to be depressed when you realize that your favorite activity can no longer be your career. There's no way I can be a field archaeologist if I can't even bend down to get close to the context, pick up a trowel, or even carry a bucket of dirt out of the trench. I'd be panicking if I wasn't too tired to care. It's also hard to maintain any kind of stable mood when you're physically drained and generally miserable. I'm losing interest in everything. Thatcher is annoying, Toby smells, the girls don't seem to care- except Akasha who gave me cuddles last night. I don't want to do anything because it hurts. I don't want to see anyone because I'm angry and I look pretty pathetic. It's hard not to burst into tears and lock myself in my room. Any relief I get is less than temporary. I definitely didn't expect this trip to make things exponentially worse, but it sure did.

I don't know what I want anymore. England used to make me so happy. I loved it so much more than anything else... but now I think it was just an escape and really isn't any better than anywhere else. It was just a fantasy... that died violently. So now I'm lost, I'm grumpier than normal, and I'm ready to crawl back under my rock. I've been in one of those, "what's the point of anything?" moods for the past few days. I'm sure it will pass... but it's really hard to get out of and look at things from a more optimistic perspective right now. I'm much better at brooding and I don't have the strength to be a bigger person right now.

:D

It's so nice to feel like your life is getting back on track after a long hiatus. School is arranged for fall, dad is doing so much better, I have the answers concerning my own health - with the exception of the sleep issues, and england is only a short few months away. Everything has come together, despite the 3048573085 obstacles.

These past few years have been ridiculous. But really, I guess that's just life. And even though it's been difficult, I'm still here. I'm still breathing, and I keep moving forward. Albeit, I made some stupid decisions that got me off track, but who doesn't? We learn, we grow, and we move on. Holding grudges is a complete waste of time and energy and even if someone wronged you along the way, you deal with it... and you sure as hell won't make that mistake again.

And through everything; the ups and downs, the good times and the horrrendous ones, there have been friends who have stood by me. They've watched me repeat the same mistakes, do ridiculously stupid things, and yet they're still here. I will never be able to thank them enough for continuing to stand by me, refusing to let me fail myself.

And then there's that one special one who has been there through the years and seen me at my absolute worst. She picked me up, dusted me off, and forced me to stop being so self defeating. She's been there through everything, never once letting me down. She's been my strength when I didn't have any left; the foundation beneath my feet. She's mades me want to try harder and constantly do the best that I can not only for her, but for myself. She was always there with advice, support, everything and anything I could possibly need. Somehow she systematically broke through all the barriers I put up to protect myself and she doesn't care that I'm a big weirdo. In fact, she seems to like it. I know I can tell her anything and I'm not afraid to let go of those defenses because I trust her completely. Somehow she's had the patience to put up with me, and she's taken the time to get through to me, never once making me feel pressured or inadequite. There is absolutely nothing I wouldn't do for her. The only regret I have is that I didn't see it sooner.

Anna, I hope you know how much I love you. I'm so very grateful to have the honor and priviledge of having you in my life. Ew, I'm all teary. You've given me the compassion I needed to get back on my feet. You even don't mind the moppy muppet, even though he has horribly inappropriate timing. You are so much more than I could ever have hoped for, and you continue to amaze me. Saying thank you just doesn't seem like enough. I truly hope that I can be everything for you, that you are to me and I will keep trying to express my gratitude in any way possible. Know that you can come to me for absolutely anything. You have me completely, and I wouldn't want it any other way <3

4/16/09

Everything is so stressful right now. My mom was recently in the hospital for a few days due to a bowel obstruction. My dad's having open heart surgery soon- which is terrifying. It seems like everyone in the house is depressed about something, be it money, health, or because Thatcher won't stop barking at Toby for no apparent reason.

I haven't written anything lately because there just isn't anything left to say. Nothing good has happened and no one wants to hear about the continuous crap that just keeps coming down. The only real new thing was the confirmation I knew was inevitible. I thought maybe it would make me feel better to get the long awaited diagnosis, but it's only reminding me that this isnn't curable and I'll have to deal with it the rest of my life. I know it could be a LOT worse than fibromyalgia, and I'm exceedingly grateful that it's not. However, having an incurable disease just doesn't really life one's spirits. It's no wonder I play by myself online all the time when my reality just keeps getting more painful. But I'm not going to whine about it. Instead, I'm going to inform about the weird, not very well understood disease that is actually quite common. And yes, I stole this from Wiki. I read it first to make sure it wasn't bogus info.

Fibromyalgia (new lat., fibro- fibrous tissue, Gk. myo- muscle, Gk. algos- pain), meaning muscle and connective tissue pain (also referred to as FM or FMS), is a disorder classified by the presence of chronic widespread pain and a heightened and painful response to gentle touch (tactile allodynia).^[1] Other core features of the disorder include debilitating fatigue, sleep disturbance, and joint stiffness. In addition, persons affected by the disorder frequently experience a range of other symptoms that involve multiple body systems, including difficulty with swallowing,^[2] functional bowel and bladder abnormalities,^[3] difficulty breathing,^[4] diffuse sensations of numbness and tingling (non-dermatomal paresthesia),^[5] abnormal motor activity (i.e. nocturnal myoclonus, sleep bruxism),^[6] and cognitive dysfunction.^[7] An increased prevalence of affective and anxiety-related symptoms is also well known.^[8] While the criteria for such an entity have not yet been thoroughly developed, the recognition that fibromyalgia involves more than just pain has led to the frequent use of the term "fibromyalgia syndrome".^[9] Not all affected persons experience all the symptoms associated with the greater syndrome.

Fibromyalgia is considered a controversial diagnosis, with some authors contending that the disorder is a ‘non-disease’, due in part to a lack of objective laboratory tests or medical imaging studies to confirm the diagnosis.^[10] While historically considered either a musculoskeletal disease or neuropsychiatric condition, evidence from research conducted in the last three decades has revealed abnormalities within the central nervous system affecting brain regions that may be linked both to clinical symptoms and research phenomena.^[11] Although there is as yet no generally accepted cure for fibromyalgia, there are treatments that have been demonstrated by controlled clinical trials to be effective in reducing symptoms, including medications, patient education, exercise and behavioral interventions.^[12]

The defining symptoms of fibromyalgia are chronic, widespread pain and painful response to touch (allodynia). Other symptoms can include moderate to severe fatigue, needle-like tingling of the skin, muscle aches, prolonged muscle spasms, weakness in the limbs, nerve pain, functional bowel disturbances,^[13] and chronic sleep disturbances.^[14] Sleep disturbances may be related to a phenomenon called alpha-delta sleep, a condition in which deep sleep (associated with delta waves) is frequently interrupted by bursts of alpha waves, which normally occur during wakefulness. Slow-wave sleep is often dramatically reduced.^{[citation needed]}

Many patients experience cognitive dysfunction^[15] (known as "brain fog" or "fibrofog"), which may be characterized by impaired concentration,^[16] problems with short^[16][17] and long-term memory, short-term memory consolidation^[17], impaired speed of performance,^[16][17] inability to multi-task, cognitive overload,^[16][17] diminished attention span and anxiety and depressive symptoms.^[17] "Brain fog" may be directly related to the sleep disturbances experienced by sufferers of fibromyalgia.^{[citation needed]}

Other symptoms often attributed to fibromyalgia that may possibly be due to a comorbid disorder include myofascial pain syndrome also referred to as Chronic Myofascial Pain, diffuse non-dermatomal paresthesias, functional bowel disturbances and irritable bowel syndrome (possibly linked to lower levels of ghrelin,^[18] genitourinary symptoms and interstitial cystitis, dermatological disorders, headaches, myoclonic twitches, and symptomatic hypoglycemia. Although fibromyalgia is classified based on the presence of chronic widespread pain, pain may also be localized in areas such as the shoulders, neck, low back, hips, or other areas. Many sufferers also experience varying degrees of facial pain and have high rates of comorbid temporomandibular joint disorder.

Eye problems such as eye pain, sensitivity to light, blurred vision, and fluctuating visual clarity, can also be a symptom of the condition.^[19] As a consequence of this, sufferers who wear glasses or contact lenses may have to change their lens prescription frequently.

Symptoms can have a slow onset, and many patients have mild symptoms beginning in childhood, that are often misdiagnosed as growing pains.^{[citation needed]} Symptoms are often aggravated by unrelated illness or changes in the weather.^{[citation needed]}They can become more or less tolerable throughout daily or yearly cycles; however, many people with fibromyalgia find that, at least some of the time, the condition prevents them from performing normal activities such as driving a car or walking up stairs. The disorder does not cause inflammation as is characteristic of rheumatoid arthritis, although some non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drugs may temporarily reduce pain symptoms in some patients. Their use, however, is limited, and often of little to no value in pain management.^[20]

That's just a small snippet. The treatment for this is pretty much based on your symptoms. I don't want to be on narcotics forever, so I'm not going that route. We're first going to work on my sleeping problems which will help pain in the long run. The Dr wants me to do a sleep study... which will be really interesting, assuming I can fall asleep while hooked up to machines.

So yeah, that's pretty much been the focus of the past few months and why I fall off the face of the map for weeks at a time. At least now it's being addressed so I'm hoping that we'll find a means of managing all of the 8999676 symptoms that have been tied together. Regardless, I'm still going to England and I've been accepted to ASU for next semester so this disease can suck it. I'm not letting it take over my life.