:D

It's so nice to feel like your life is getting back on track after a long hiatus. School is arranged for fall, dad is doing so much better, I have the answers concerning my own health - with the exception of the sleep issues, and england is only a short few months away. Everything has come together, despite the 3048573085 obstacles.

These past few years have been ridiculous. But really, I guess that's just life. And even though it's been difficult, I'm still here. I'm still breathing, and I keep moving forward. Albeit, I made some stupid decisions that got me off track, but who doesn't? We learn, we grow, and we move on. Holding grudges is a complete waste of time and energy and even if someone wronged you along the way, you deal with it... and you sure as hell won't make that mistake again.

And through everything; the ups and downs, the good times and the horrrendous ones, there have been friends who have stood by me. They've watched me repeat the same mistakes, do ridiculously stupid things, and yet they're still here. I will never be able to thank them enough for continuing to stand by me, refusing to let me fail myself.

And then there's that one special one who has been there through the years and seen me at my absolute worst. She picked me up, dusted me off, and forced me to stop being so self defeating. She's been there through everything, never once letting me down. She's been my strength when I didn't have any left; the foundation beneath my feet. She's mades me want to try harder and constantly do the best that I can not only for her, but for myself. She was always there with advice, support, everything and anything I could possibly need. Somehow she systematically broke through all the barriers I put up to protect myself and she doesn't care that I'm a big weirdo. In fact, she seems to like it. I know I can tell her anything and I'm not afraid to let go of those defenses because I trust her completely. Somehow she's had the patience to put up with me, and she's taken the time to get through to me, never once making me feel pressured or inadequite. There is absolutely nothing I wouldn't do for her. The only regret I have is that I didn't see it sooner.

Anna, I hope you know how much I love you. I'm so very grateful to have the honor and priviledge of having you in my life. Ew, I'm all teary. You've given me the compassion I needed to get back on my feet. You even don't mind the moppy muppet, even though he has horribly inappropriate timing. You are so much more than I could ever have hoped for, and you continue to amaze me. Saying thank you just doesn't seem like enough. I truly hope that I can be everything for you, that you are to me and I will keep trying to express my gratitude in any way possible. Know that you can come to me for absolutely anything. You have me completely, and I wouldn't want it any other way <3

4/16/09

Everything is so stressful right now. My mom was recently in the hospital for a few days due to a bowel obstruction. My dad's having open heart surgery soon- which is terrifying. It seems like everyone in the house is depressed about something, be it money, health, or because Thatcher won't stop barking at Toby for no apparent reason.

I haven't written anything lately because there just isn't anything left to say. Nothing good has happened and no one wants to hear about the continuous crap that just keeps coming down. The only real new thing was the confirmation I knew was inevitible. I thought maybe it would make me feel better to get the long awaited diagnosis, but it's only reminding me that this isnn't curable and I'll have to deal with it the rest of my life. I know it could be a LOT worse than fibromyalgia, and I'm exceedingly grateful that it's not. However, having an incurable disease just doesn't really life one's spirits. It's no wonder I play by myself online all the time when my reality just keeps getting more painful. But I'm not going to whine about it. Instead, I'm going to inform about the weird, not very well understood disease that is actually quite common. And yes, I stole this from Wiki. I read it first to make sure it wasn't bogus info.

Fibromyalgia (new lat., fibro- fibrous tissue, Gk. myo- muscle, Gk. algos- pain), meaning muscle and connective tissue pain (also referred to as FM or FMS), is a disorder classified by the presence of chronic widespread pain and a heightened and painful response to gentle touch (tactile allodynia).^[1] Other core features of the disorder include debilitating fatigue, sleep disturbance, and joint stiffness. In addition, persons affected by the disorder frequently experience a range of other symptoms that involve multiple body systems, including difficulty with swallowing,^[2] functional bowel and bladder abnormalities,^[3] difficulty breathing,^[4] diffuse sensations of numbness and tingling (non-dermatomal paresthesia),^[5] abnormal motor activity (i.e. nocturnal myoclonus, sleep bruxism),^[6] and cognitive dysfunction.^[7] An increased prevalence of affective and anxiety-related symptoms is also well known.^[8] While the criteria for such an entity have not yet been thoroughly developed, the recognition that fibromyalgia involves more than just pain has led to the frequent use of the term "fibromyalgia syndrome".^[9] Not all affected persons experience all the symptoms associated with the greater syndrome.

Fibromyalgia is considered a controversial diagnosis, with some authors contending that the disorder is a ‘non-disease’, due in part to a lack of objective laboratory tests or medical imaging studies to confirm the diagnosis.^[10] While historically considered either a musculoskeletal disease or neuropsychiatric condition, evidence from research conducted in the last three decades has revealed abnormalities within the central nervous system affecting brain regions that may be linked both to clinical symptoms and research phenomena.^[11] Although there is as yet no generally accepted cure for fibromyalgia, there are treatments that have been demonstrated by controlled clinical trials to be effective in reducing symptoms, including medications, patient education, exercise and behavioral interventions.^[12]

The defining symptoms of fibromyalgia are chronic, widespread pain and painful response to touch (allodynia). Other symptoms can include moderate to severe fatigue, needle-like tingling of the skin, muscle aches, prolonged muscle spasms, weakness in the limbs, nerve pain, functional bowel disturbances,^[13] and chronic sleep disturbances.^[14] Sleep disturbances may be related to a phenomenon called alpha-delta sleep, a condition in which deep sleep (associated with delta waves) is frequently interrupted by bursts of alpha waves, which normally occur during wakefulness. Slow-wave sleep is often dramatically reduced.^{[citation needed]}

Many patients experience cognitive dysfunction^[15] (known as "brain fog" or "fibrofog"), which may be characterized by impaired concentration,^[16] problems with short^[16][17] and long-term memory, short-term memory consolidation^[17], impaired speed of performance,^[16][17] inability to multi-task, cognitive overload,^[16][17] diminished attention span and anxiety and depressive symptoms.^[17] "Brain fog" may be directly related to the sleep disturbances experienced by sufferers of fibromyalgia.^{[citation needed]}

Other symptoms often attributed to fibromyalgia that may possibly be due to a comorbid disorder include myofascial pain syndrome also referred to as Chronic Myofascial Pain, diffuse non-dermatomal paresthesias, functional bowel disturbances and irritable bowel syndrome (possibly linked to lower levels of ghrelin,^[18] genitourinary symptoms and interstitial cystitis, dermatological disorders, headaches, myoclonic twitches, and symptomatic hypoglycemia. Although fibromyalgia is classified based on the presence of chronic widespread pain, pain may also be localized in areas such as the shoulders, neck, low back, hips, or other areas. Many sufferers also experience varying degrees of facial pain and have high rates of comorbid temporomandibular joint disorder.

Eye problems such as eye pain, sensitivity to light, blurred vision, and fluctuating visual clarity, can also be a symptom of the condition.^[19] As a consequence of this, sufferers who wear glasses or contact lenses may have to change their lens prescription frequently.

Symptoms can have a slow onset, and many patients have mild symptoms beginning in childhood, that are often misdiagnosed as growing pains.^{[citation needed]} Symptoms are often aggravated by unrelated illness or changes in the weather.^{[citation needed]}They can become more or less tolerable throughout daily or yearly cycles; however, many people with fibromyalgia find that, at least some of the time, the condition prevents them from performing normal activities such as driving a car or walking up stairs. The disorder does not cause inflammation as is characteristic of rheumatoid arthritis, although some non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drugs may temporarily reduce pain symptoms in some patients. Their use, however, is limited, and often of little to no value in pain management.^[20]

That's just a small snippet. The treatment for this is pretty much based on your symptoms. I don't want to be on narcotics forever, so I'm not going that route. We're first going to work on my sleeping problems which will help pain in the long run. The Dr wants me to do a sleep study... which will be really interesting, assuming I can fall asleep while hooked up to machines.

So yeah, that's pretty much been the focus of the past few months and why I fall off the face of the map for weeks at a time. At least now it's being addressed so I'm hoping that we'll find a means of managing all of the 8999676 symptoms that have been tied together. Regardless, I'm still going to England and I've been accepted to ASU for next semester so this disease can suck it. I'm not letting it take over my life.