Constant Struggle

I guess you could say I still haven't accepted my diagnosis of fibromyalgia. I'm only 22. I'm too young for this, right? How does a bad infection lead to an incurable disease?

Sure, the pain is real, the depression, migraines constant fatigue and the myriad of other symptoms are real... so why can't I accept that the disease itself is real when it's had such an impact on everything else. When I see Dr's who don't believe this disease is real, it gets ingrained in my subconscious and I start to think I'm just psychosomatic.

More than anything, I've wanted to be a field archaeologist. But when I returned to the field this past summer to continue excavations on a Roman Britain site just south of London, I couldn't do it. The energy wasn't there. The pain was too great. The migraines were overbearing and as much as I love sleeping in a tent and roughing it for a couple months, my body just can't handle it. What do you do when your dreams are shattered by something you can't even begin to control or understand?

There's this vicious cycle of pain-depression-pain that I can't seem to break. I blame myself for being so sluggish and exhausted, but when I try to accomplish things, the pain only increases until I'm debilitated. My activity level has gone almost to nil. I missed a whole year of classes trying to figure out what's been wrong with me. I've lost so much time and feel like I've failed myself, that I'm continually failing myself. I'm stronger than this. Why am I submitting?

I know I've always had extremely high expectations for myself. Sometimes they're way beyond my reach, and even though I can see that, I still expect myself to be able to reach them. But this... horrible barrier has all but broken me and I just don't know how to cope. I worry that there's no solution for the pain constantly throbbing and burning through my legs. Narcotics do nothing, nor do I particularly want them. I'm starting to consider using MJ medically, but I still worry that it will just make me lazier and I still won't get anything completed. Even with my strict discipline, I fear falling back into an addiction I just recently broke out of.

I guess I just don't know what to do, or how to help myself. I'm frightened and I feel alone in this, although I know I have plenty of support. I feel guilty for cancelling plans with friends, not making it to class, not being as productive as I used to be. I'm open to any thoughts, suggestions, anything at all. Any help would be so greatly appreciated. Even just knowing someone understands is more than enough. I don't like being this vulnerable, but I know I can't let my pride stand in the way of getting the help I need.

I feel so selfish when I have to make my parents come home because it's not safe for me to be by myself anymore. I never thought i'd bring myself to ask, but it was either that or something much worse. I feel like such a burden becase I can't even be trusted to be alone when I crash and burn for absolutely no reason. I thought I was passed this, I'm not 13 anymore. But here it came again, forcing me to be sedated so I stop twitching and bawling, causing me to vomit up the medicine that's supposed to be my hold on sanity. I've never felt more ashamed and pathetic, which only leads to anger the need to punish myself for another failure. I'm glad I've made so much progress. Good job self. Way to fuck it all up again.

The one thing I want more than anything else I don't feel like I have the right to ask for :/

5/09/09

I don't even know why I'm writing on here... I probably shouldn't be, but it's not like I have anything else to do. That's a lie, I just don't want to do anything... at all. I definitely don't have a reason to be this emotional right now, and yet I'm such a complete and utter train wreck. No, it's more like a train ran into a nuclear power plant. I don't remember the last time I cried like this. I probably at least had a reason then.

I used to love being alone. Now I can't stand it. It's terrifying be left alone with your thoughts when you're so mean to yourself. At least when someone else is here, I'm not beating myself up for being so behind in school, for being too sick to do anything. I keep telling myself I'm psychosomatic since no one ever finds anything wrong. I must be lying to myself, right? There's probably nothing even wrong with me, besides the fact that I'm a headcase.

Why the fuck can't I focus? Why don't I care? What happened to me? I used to have so many friends but I've become this horribly antisocial person who never talks to anyone anymore. I feel like I've been taking steps backward from my complete meltdown last year, and I can't get out of the cycle. I was going to be so successful... but now what? Why don't I care? Why do I want to go into a dreamless sleep and never wake up? Why am I so heinously depressed? I have no right to feel like this. I have everything I could ever want.

But this has just been the past few days, right? I don't always feel like this. I was happy recently. I remember saying it, but I'm so far down that hole right now that I can't remember what it felt like. I have no faith in myself anymore, I have no faith in the world. Everything in this country is going to shit, so what's the point? I didn't used to roll over and give up, but it's like the fight has been sucked out of me. I want to know what happened to the happy, opinionated, friendly, social me. I liked her. She was actually accomplishing things I don't like this selfish, greedy, empty shell.

See, I shouldn't be writing, but I don't have any other outlet. I know I don't always feel like this. I couldn't- I wouldn't have made it. But when you're trapped in this void, it seems like there's nothing else. I'll just continue to count on myself to cope the only way I know how.

:/

I know it's been awhile, but nothing's really changed and whining about fibro pain gets old really quickly. I know no one wants to hear me complain. Hell, I don't want to hear me complain either. Anyway, this was my summer. It was... well... not as spectacular as last year.

I was really hoping that when I went back to England this summer, all of these medical issues would magically disappear and I'd be so ridiculously happy to be playing in the dirt that nothing would matter. If only. I was supposed to be on site for 8 weeks, including debackfill and backfill, as well as the six regular weeks of digging. Unfortunately, after the first week, which was just preparing the site for the students, I was already feeling it. I pushed it another two weeks before talking to my parents about how miserable I actually was. I'd put on that facade of "everything's wonderful!" for as long as I could. Not only was my body rebelling every chance it could, my migraines had increased to anywhere from one to four times a week. Not only did they become more prevelent, but they've started inducing vomiting and triggering the rest of my pain into starting super flares. The constant rainy weather kept my joints achy and non-functional. Every time I bent down my knees made a horrible cracking noise and half the time I fell over. There were nights I couldn't sleep at all because my hips were throbbing so intensely I couldn't find a comfortable position that took enough eight off of them. Even codeine didn't seem to even dull the pain, nor did alcohol. I didn't get to go to a single party at Silch. Pirate night was hindered by a migraine, as was beer festival. Other nights I was just too sore and exhausted to stay conscious past dinner.

In the end... well, I didn't make to the end. I decided it would be best to come home early so I wouldn't end up back in the hospital because I pushed it too far. I did, in fact, push it a lot more than I should have. Even though I'm back in a real bed, with a real shower and air conditioning, I'm still really struggling to adjust. I'm still covered in Tinea Versicolor from the humidity in England, which keeps me exhausted. I don't like being a host for some stupid fungus. The vasculitis seems to be returning and despite being in a dry climate, my joints still hate me. My migraines haven't eased up at all and I'm kind of at a loss as to what I'm supposed to do to help my body cope. I'm either sleeping all day, completely debilitated, or combating sleep paralysis and having horrifying hallucinations. Regardless of the amount of sleep I get, I'm sooooo very tired. I've tried keeping a normal schedule, and I've succeeded.... once. I can't keep my eyes open.

It's hard not to be depressed when you realize that your favorite activity can no longer be your career. There's no way I can be a field archaeologist if I can't even bend down to get close to the context, pick up a trowel, or even carry a bucket of dirt out of the trench. I'd be panicking if I wasn't too tired to care. It's also hard to maintain any kind of stable mood when you're physically drained and generally miserable. I'm losing interest in everything. Thatcher is annoying, Toby smells, the girls don't seem to care- except Akasha who gave me cuddles last night. I don't want to do anything because it hurts. I don't want to see anyone because I'm angry and I look pretty pathetic. It's hard not to burst into tears and lock myself in my room. Any relief I get is less than temporary. I definitely didn't expect this trip to make things exponentially worse, but it sure did.

I don't know what I want anymore. England used to make me so happy. I loved it so much more than anything else... but now I think it was just an escape and really isn't any better than anywhere else. It was just a fantasy... that died violently. So now I'm lost, I'm grumpier than normal, and I'm ready to crawl back under my rock. I've been in one of those, "what's the point of anything?" moods for the past few days. I'm sure it will pass... but it's really hard to get out of and look at things from a more optimistic perspective right now. I'm much better at brooding and I don't have the strength to be a bigger person right now.

:D

It's so nice to feel like your life is getting back on track after a long hiatus. School is arranged for fall, dad is doing so much better, I have the answers concerning my own health - with the exception of the sleep issues, and england is only a short few months away. Everything has come together, despite the 3048573085 obstacles.

These past few years have been ridiculous. But really, I guess that's just life. And even though it's been difficult, I'm still here. I'm still breathing, and I keep moving forward. Albeit, I made some stupid decisions that got me off track, but who doesn't? We learn, we grow, and we move on. Holding grudges is a complete waste of time and energy and even if someone wronged you along the way, you deal with it... and you sure as hell won't make that mistake again.

And through everything; the ups and downs, the good times and the horrrendous ones, there have been friends who have stood by me. They've watched me repeat the same mistakes, do ridiculously stupid things, and yet they're still here. I will never be able to thank them enough for continuing to stand by me, refusing to let me fail myself.

And then there's that one special one who has been there through the years and seen me at my absolute worst. She picked me up, dusted me off, and forced me to stop being so self defeating. She's been there through everything, never once letting me down. She's been my strength when I didn't have any left; the foundation beneath my feet. She's mades me want to try harder and constantly do the best that I can not only for her, but for myself. She was always there with advice, support, everything and anything I could possibly need. Somehow she systematically broke through all the barriers I put up to protect myself and she doesn't care that I'm a big weirdo. In fact, she seems to like it. I know I can tell her anything and I'm not afraid to let go of those defenses because I trust her completely. Somehow she's had the patience to put up with me, and she's taken the time to get through to me, never once making me feel pressured or inadequite. There is absolutely nothing I wouldn't do for her. The only regret I have is that I didn't see it sooner.

Anna, I hope you know how much I love you. I'm so very grateful to have the honor and priviledge of having you in my life. Ew, I'm all teary. You've given me the compassion I needed to get back on my feet. You even don't mind the moppy muppet, even though he has horribly inappropriate timing. You are so much more than I could ever have hoped for, and you continue to amaze me. Saying thank you just doesn't seem like enough. I truly hope that I can be everything for you, that you are to me and I will keep trying to express my gratitude in any way possible. Know that you can come to me for absolutely anything. You have me completely, and I wouldn't want it any other way <3

4/16/09

Everything is so stressful right now. My mom was recently in the hospital for a few days due to a bowel obstruction. My dad's having open heart surgery soon- which is terrifying. It seems like everyone in the house is depressed about something, be it money, health, or because Thatcher won't stop barking at Toby for no apparent reason.

I haven't written anything lately because there just isn't anything left to say. Nothing good has happened and no one wants to hear about the continuous crap that just keeps coming down. The only real new thing was the confirmation I knew was inevitible. I thought maybe it would make me feel better to get the long awaited diagnosis, but it's only reminding me that this isnn't curable and I'll have to deal with it the rest of my life. I know it could be a LOT worse than fibromyalgia, and I'm exceedingly grateful that it's not. However, having an incurable disease just doesn't really life one's spirits. It's no wonder I play by myself online all the time when my reality just keeps getting more painful. But I'm not going to whine about it. Instead, I'm going to inform about the weird, not very well understood disease that is actually quite common. And yes, I stole this from Wiki. I read it first to make sure it wasn't bogus info.

Fibromyalgia (new lat., fibro- fibrous tissue, Gk. myo- muscle, Gk. algos- pain), meaning muscle and connective tissue pain (also referred to as FM or FMS), is a disorder classified by the presence of chronic widespread pain and a heightened and painful response to gentle touch (tactile allodynia).^[1] Other core features of the disorder include debilitating fatigue, sleep disturbance, and joint stiffness. In addition, persons affected by the disorder frequently experience a range of other symptoms that involve multiple body systems, including difficulty with swallowing,^[2] functional bowel and bladder abnormalities,^[3] difficulty breathing,^[4] diffuse sensations of numbness and tingling (non-dermatomal paresthesia),^[5] abnormal motor activity (i.e. nocturnal myoclonus, sleep bruxism),^[6] and cognitive dysfunction.^[7] An increased prevalence of affective and anxiety-related symptoms is also well known.^[8] While the criteria for such an entity have not yet been thoroughly developed, the recognition that fibromyalgia involves more than just pain has led to the frequent use of the term "fibromyalgia syndrome".^[9] Not all affected persons experience all the symptoms associated with the greater syndrome.

Fibromyalgia is considered a controversial diagnosis, with some authors contending that the disorder is a ‘non-disease’, due in part to a lack of objective laboratory tests or medical imaging studies to confirm the diagnosis.^[10] While historically considered either a musculoskeletal disease or neuropsychiatric condition, evidence from research conducted in the last three decades has revealed abnormalities within the central nervous system affecting brain regions that may be linked both to clinical symptoms and research phenomena.^[11] Although there is as yet no generally accepted cure for fibromyalgia, there are treatments that have been demonstrated by controlled clinical trials to be effective in reducing symptoms, including medications, patient education, exercise and behavioral interventions.^[12]

The defining symptoms of fibromyalgia are chronic, widespread pain and painful response to touch (allodynia). Other symptoms can include moderate to severe fatigue, needle-like tingling of the skin, muscle aches, prolonged muscle spasms, weakness in the limbs, nerve pain, functional bowel disturbances,^[13] and chronic sleep disturbances.^[14] Sleep disturbances may be related to a phenomenon called alpha-delta sleep, a condition in which deep sleep (associated with delta waves) is frequently interrupted by bursts of alpha waves, which normally occur during wakefulness. Slow-wave sleep is often dramatically reduced.^{[citation needed]}

Many patients experience cognitive dysfunction^[15] (known as "brain fog" or "fibrofog"), which may be characterized by impaired concentration,^[16] problems with short^[16][17] and long-term memory, short-term memory consolidation^[17], impaired speed of performance,^[16][17] inability to multi-task, cognitive overload,^[16][17] diminished attention span and anxiety and depressive symptoms.^[17] "Brain fog" may be directly related to the sleep disturbances experienced by sufferers of fibromyalgia.^{[citation needed]}

Other symptoms often attributed to fibromyalgia that may possibly be due to a comorbid disorder include myofascial pain syndrome also referred to as Chronic Myofascial Pain, diffuse non-dermatomal paresthesias, functional bowel disturbances and irritable bowel syndrome (possibly linked to lower levels of ghrelin,^[18] genitourinary symptoms and interstitial cystitis, dermatological disorders, headaches, myoclonic twitches, and symptomatic hypoglycemia. Although fibromyalgia is classified based on the presence of chronic widespread pain, pain may also be localized in areas such as the shoulders, neck, low back, hips, or other areas. Many sufferers also experience varying degrees of facial pain and have high rates of comorbid temporomandibular joint disorder.

Eye problems such as eye pain, sensitivity to light, blurred vision, and fluctuating visual clarity, can also be a symptom of the condition.^[19] As a consequence of this, sufferers who wear glasses or contact lenses may have to change their lens prescription frequently.

Symptoms can have a slow onset, and many patients have mild symptoms beginning in childhood, that are often misdiagnosed as growing pains.^{[citation needed]} Symptoms are often aggravated by unrelated illness or changes in the weather.^{[citation needed]}They can become more or less tolerable throughout daily or yearly cycles; however, many people with fibromyalgia find that, at least some of the time, the condition prevents them from performing normal activities such as driving a car or walking up stairs. The disorder does not cause inflammation as is characteristic of rheumatoid arthritis, although some non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drugs may temporarily reduce pain symptoms in some patients. Their use, however, is limited, and often of little to no value in pain management.^[20]

That's just a small snippet. The treatment for this is pretty much based on your symptoms. I don't want to be on narcotics forever, so I'm not going that route. We're first going to work on my sleeping problems which will help pain in the long run. The Dr wants me to do a sleep study... which will be really interesting, assuming I can fall asleep while hooked up to machines.

So yeah, that's pretty much been the focus of the past few months and why I fall off the face of the map for weeks at a time. At least now it's being addressed so I'm hoping that we'll find a means of managing all of the 8999676 symptoms that have been tied together. Regardless, I'm still going to England and I've been accepted to ASU for next semester so this disease can suck it. I'm not letting it take over my life.

:)

I feel like I'm finally facing all of the issues that have been plaguing me, rather than trying to ignore them and mope about in self pity. I've been trying so hard to address the lack of trust, the cynicism, the anger and the depression and I think I'm finally getting somewhere.

People often tell me I always look pissed. Generally, I'm annoyed by something, but I'm rarely angry. It takes a lot to make me angry and even then, I usually internalize it and take it out on myself. But I'm not pissed, I'm just thinking about something intently, which usually makes me frown. I dunno why. Maybe I'm frustrated because I can't figure out whatever it is I'm analyzing. I tend to over think things and try to look at an issue from every possible perspective. So, it's no wonder I look brooding and angry. Life = complicated and I live in my head.

I know I'm extremely closed off and distant. A lot has happened in the past few years that I wasn't ready or able to cope with. Numerous deaths, the loss of what I thought were good friends, heart-break, diseases. I know none of these things compare to what some people face, but it has been extremely difficult for me to face a lot in my past, as mundane as it may seem. Currently, my dad is facing heart surgery, an uncle just died, one of my dogs is near his end, I possibly have an uncurable malady and I'm battling a depression that runs much deeper than I had previously believed. Right now it's easier for me to run away, be alone, and try to deal with things by becoming reclusive and facing them in my own, strange way. I know some people take this personally, and think I'm just ignoring or neglecting them. I promise this isn't the case. I have a lot on my plate right now, and I'm doing the best I can. It's bound to get better and I'm sure eventually I'll be less socially disabled. I've always been awkward, so I guess I'm kind of stuck with that. But that's ok- it's kind of funny.

I can't thank my friends enough for sticking by me while I made the same mistakes time and time again. Susannah, Jasmine, Erika, Jessye, Anna, Amy, Shaina, Jessica... I'm sure I'm forgetting people, and I apologize, but all of you have been such a wonderful support in my life, and I'm so very grateful to call you friends. I don't say it enough- I love you so very much <3

Things are definitely improving. I'm becoming more confident, accepting and comfortable with myself, my mistakes, flaws etc. It's still hard for me to view the positive aspects of myself, but I'm trying not to be so hard on myself and hold myself to such ridiculous standards that only a God could maintain. I'm going to be starting school again at ASU in the fall, and depending on what the Dr. tells me, I want to look for a job... I know... in this economy, good luck. I'm heading back to England this summer and I couldn't possibly be more excited. My therapist told me that all I need to do when I get upset is to think about England, because I light up when I talk about it to other people, regardless of whether or not they have any idea what I'm talking about. I know this annoys some people, but I don't know what it is about that place. I truly feel home, alive and completely content there. Maybe it's just all in my head, but that's ok. I don't mean to be obnoxious, I just want to share the joy I have.

I have great aspirations and I don't feel like they're unattainable anymore. I know I have more bad days than good ones right now, but I also know that those good times are still out there and I'll find them. I won't stop until I do. I deserve to be happy. I need to treat myself with love and respect and take the time I need to do so. I will get where I want in life and I've just hit a small road block. I'm so very lucky to have such supportive friends and parents and I love you all so very, very much. I can't thank you enough for everything you've done for me, and all the times you've been there when I needed you most. I can only hope that I can do the same for you because as much as I never want to admit such things, I DO need other people and I DO care, maybe too much. You all mean the world to me, and you've all helped me in my recent struggling. Again, thank you. You've seen me as I truely am, and you stayed. That kind of loyalty is such a precious thing.
<3

3/3/09

I like how I just started talking to people again, and I'm already a disaster. It's already been way too overwhelming. There are all these expectations I can't meet, things I just can't do. It makes me like myself less and less to not be able to provide what should come easily. But really...

Why do I pull away most of the time? Because even when people say they understand that I need space and I need to be left alone, they still pull at me and try to get me to overcome it. But I can't. I can't change who I am and what I need. I'm not going to change and all this pulling and pressure is just making everything worse. No one is excluded from that. No one gets special privileges. It's not even funny to joke about. I panic. I freak out and I can't handle peoples' demands.

I'm not some depressed kid who actually wants lots of friends but is too shy to come out of their shell. I really do want my space and to be alone, as hard as that is for some people to understand. If anyone pushes that, it's going to end very, very quickly. I'm not putting up with it anymore. I'm putting my own comfort level first and I'm done feeling guilty for needing my distance. People are going to have to understand that this isn't personal. If we're going to be friends, you'll have to understand all of this. If I don't talk to you on a regular basis, it doesn't mean I don't like you. This is just who I am. If you can't put up with that, or you need more, I'm sorry, but it's not going to happen. No, I'm not sorry. I'm done being sorry and I'm not going to pretend I'm something I'm not.

Meh...

I know it's been awhile... but I usually try to write as an emotional release. And oh look, I have no emotions.

I still can't figure out what the point of anything is. I still have no motivation, and to top it off, no sign of emotion anywhere. Complete apathy. It's really boring. At least when I was miserable, I was comfortable and entertained by my dislike of everyone else. But I just realllllly don't care about anything. Nothing holds my attention, nothing is the least bit interesting... except my dreams. Those wings were fantastic. I'm still annoyed that they weren't still there when I woke up. Even my favorite shows and games are starting to become dull. Nothing's funny, except my own sardonic doom and gloom. Haaaa.

It seems like I get more anti-people everyday. I'm going in the opposite direction and recoiling back into myself. I need less and less social interaction and more silent nothingness. In fact, I've gotten to the point where I don't want to go anywhere or see anyone, at all, ever. Leaving the house makes me exceedingly uncomfortable and irritable. If anyone talks to me or God forbid touches me, I get agitated and angry. Any sign of affection seems wasted and brings about so much irrational anger. So I guess I don't feel absolutely nothing... but since interactions are few and far between, it's a rarity. I thought the walls were supposed to come down, but it's like they keep becoming increasingly fortified with new barriers for new, unknown reasons. What am I scared of? I mean besides intimacy and commitment. I don't really feel afraid of those... I'm just not interested. Those are for people who care about something.

I would love to dissolve away into nothingness. Completely evanesce. Vocab point. I want people to forget I was even there, so they don't feel the need to talk to me or see what I'm doing. I'm not doing anything, at all, I promise. Go away. I mean, I clean things... but that's about it. I'm too tired to do anything else. I go for a walk and then need to sleep for a year to recooperate. Why is everything so draining? And everything still fucking hurts >:( My shoulders, my back, my hips and my knees... contantly sore for no apparent reason.

My parents think I'm too connected. I'm really tempted to turn off my phone for a week and see if the world ends. Between that and Facebook and IM, I'm always in the middle of some conversation. Maybe that's the problem. I think I'm getting time to myself but I'm still talking to people. I really can't wait until Silchester so I can be completely cut off and in the middle of nowhere. And the archaeology doesn't try to talk to you. The bones don't want to have a conversation and the dirt isn't up for small talk.

It's really hard for me to view myself as normal when I don't know anyone near my level of reclusion. It's hard for me to identify with anyone, which is apparently what people need...? Affection, human companionship, blah blah blah. I try so hard to be social and nice and ew... I really don't WANT to identify with anyone. I don't want to have similarities. I like being seperate, off to the side and excluded from the general population... or everyone. Empathy is so ridiculously annoying. I'm not unhappy by myself. I'm unhappy when people take me away from being by myself. Maybe I should just stop trying to be what I'm blatantly not since it's making me so unhappy and uncomfortable. I love my friends, I really do... but I need to love you from a distance, at least until my need to be a hermit starts reversing. It was noooot this bad when I was in England. I don't understand what changed... but ever since I came back a year ago, it's been slowly progressing into longer and longer periods of required isolation. So how can I not think there's something wrong with me?

I've been looking for articles on extreme introversion... and I keep seeing things like, "Go from extreme introversion to extroversion!" Ew! Who wants to do that? That would be horrible! Maybe that's part of it. There's such an emphasis on being outgoing and it's held in higher regard. But I can't for the life of me understand why any sane introvert would want to change. Fitting in is definitely not worth it. I really need to stop viewing myself as unbalanced and just accept that I don't like people. Well, I have accepted it... I just keep trying to fix it. No more. I need to be content in my loathing. Yes, that makes me happy. Hooray! I'm not a robot afterall... I just need to find the right level of sarcasm and disdain to keep me entertained. Please take your optimism elsewhere. I will smash your joyous hearts and rainbows with reality :D

I might be confused, but I'm not insane... maybe

I've never been too fond of emotions. They cloud one's vision, leading to irrational decisions that usually end up fucking everything over. But I can usually figure out where said emotion is coming from. Find the root, fix it, emotion dealt with... but I don't even know what's going on in my head anymore. None of it makes any sense. I go from ok, to looking longingly at razors, to being so pissed off I could punch another hole in the wall, and then to feeling absolutely nothing- rinse, repeat. It's not bipolar disorder if you have no high, right Razjaz? So what the FUCK is wrong? I feel like this is more than depression. I'm so bloody confused. I go from wanting to be alone, to feeling ridiculously lonely and then bitter because I'm alone, and then pissed at myself for making it that way, but still not wanting anyone around me because I'm a ticking time bomb who will explode if you so much as set a toe in my personal space. It's a vicious cycle that refuses to end.

What pisses me off even more is when people try to empathize. Believe me, you don't know how I'm feeling right now. I don't know how I'm feeling right now. I don't need your condolences or your support. I didn't ask for it, I won't ask for it. I don't want it. Shoo. It's like I'm fighting against humanity. People need other people, but I don't like other people. They get in my space, they're loud, they touch me and it makes me irate and nauseated. I know I can't be alone forever, as much as I think I like it. I'm still human, bleh, and I can't just delete that part of my wiring. Ha, if only it were that easy. I thought if I stopped smoking, if I cut out the people who stressed me out, if I tried to have more quality time with myself, things would get better. Sooooo why aren't things better? Why are they reverting- getting worse again. I still have a small amount of control left, but what happens when that runs out? I can't let it get to that point.

I went to a church class today. I know, me, church, ha. I went expecting to just get pissed, justify my skepticism. I didn't expect to get anything out of it, but I did. I have never heard anything like this before. I can't stand organized religion. It's manipulative bullshit that they use to scare people into doing their bidding and getting their money. But this... this was questioning everything the Bible said. He said that the Resurrection never happened. Well, not literally. And there's no evidence to say that it actually did. Accounts in the Bible of Easter don't coincide with each other. Most Christians would consider that blasphemous, but the way he explained it was being a Resurrection of one's life, finding new meaning and faith- Respecting and loving everyone, finding peace through love. I honestly don't know what to think right now. I'm still skeptical because I know I'm easily influenced in this state of confusion and as Susannah said, you can easily get engulfed amidst someone else's logic. And honestly, when have I ever gotten along or agreed with religion? Hello, never. But this was different. This felt ok. This felt safe, maybe even right. I don't even want to tell any of my friends about this because they're going to think I've completely lost it. I'm not subscribing to anything here, but I'm curious to hear more. I enjoy blaspheming, well, what some might consider to be blaspheming. These teachings go against everything I've ever thought the church stood for, and they're preaching it, and it's still considered Christian. Ew, I don't ever want to be considered a Christian. It's not what it used to be. There's a stigma of hypocritical, judgmental manipulation that goes along with that title, and that is not what this stuff was about. I can't even explain it very well, it was just so... It was what Christians claim to be- compassionate, with unconditional love for others. By living one's life according to to this, love and faith prevail over everything, even death. And really, that's how people should live, isn't it? Helping each other? Even if the faith here ended up being misplaced and nothing came of it, I'd be completely okay knowing that I tried my best to love others, to do what I could to try and ease suffering. Is Jesus God's son? Hell if I know, but he came up with some pretty fantastic concepts, whoever the fuck he was.

Now, that's what I should want- to be a good person, help those less fortunate, etc. But I'm not strong enough for that. I'm selfish, pessimistic, grumpy and I don't like other people, let alone care about their welfare. I know we're all in this together, but I'd rather go live with the 'animals.' Love thy neighbor? No. Evict thy neighbor so I can have some quiet. I want to be a better person, I really do, but I don't know if I have it in me. I don't know if that's the path I'm supposed to follow. Aaaaand here comes a Xena reference. Way of the warrior vs. way of love. Both are right for different people. Maybe that's just not who I'm meant to be, some loving, mushy, gross person. It makes me gag a little. I just need to find my path, whatever it might be. And soon would be nice. I'm getting restless. Maybe this is supposed to help me find that path, maybe not. I just need to keep my mind open to whatever may come. But that's easier said than done. I'm much better at shutting everything out than letting even a speck of dust in. I just don't know. I'm uncomfortable in my confusion. I don't like it. It's sticky.

Introverted iNtuitive Thinking Perceiving

I took this a while ago, but I didn't know how I felt about the results, so I recently did it again. I don't think there's a single test that can ever explain a person entirely, but I think this is probably the closest yet.

INTP

The Theorist

Introverted iNtuitive Thinking Perceiving

As an INTP, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you deal with things rationally and logically. Your secondary mode is external, where you take things in primarily via your intuition.

INTPs live in the world of theoretical possibilities. They see everything in terms of how it could be improved, or what it could be turned into. They live primarily inside their own minds, having the ability to analyze difficult problems, identify patterns, and come up with logical explanations. They seek clarity in everything, and are therefore driven to build knowledge. They are the "absent-minded professors", who highly value intelligence and the ability to apply logic to theories to find solutions. They typically are so strongly driven to turn problems into logical explanations, that they live much of their lives within their own heads, and may not place as much importance or value on the external world. Their natural drive to turn theories into concrete understanding may turn into a feeling of personal responsibility to solve theoretical problems, and help society move towards a higher understanding.

INTPs value knowledge above all else. Their minds are constantly working to generate new theories, or to prove or disprove existing theories. They approach problems and theories with enthusiasm and skepticism, ignoring existing rules and opinions and defining their own approach to the resolution. They seek patterns and logical explanations for anything that interests them. They're usually extremely bright, and able to be objectively critical in their analysis. They love new ideas, and become very excited over abstractions and theories. They love to discuss these concepts with others. They may seem "dreamy" and distant to others, because they spend a lot of time inside their minds musing over theories. They hate to work on routine things - they would much prefer to build complex theoretical solutions, and leave the implementation of the system to others. They are intensely interested in theory, and will put forth tremendous amounts of time and energy into finding a solution to a problem with has piqued their interest.

INTPs do not like to lead or control people. They're very tolerant and flexible in most situations, unless one of their firmly held beliefs has been violated or challenged, in which case they may take a very rigid stance. The INTP is likely to be very shy when it comes to meeting new people. On the other hand, the INTP is very self-confident and gregarious around people they know well, or when discussing theories which they fully understand.

The INTP has no understanding or value for decisions made on the basis of personal subjectivity or feelings. They strive constantly to achieve logical conclusions to problems, and don't understand the importance or relevance of applying subjective emotional considerations to decisions. For this reason, INTPs are usually not in-tune with how people are feeling, and are not naturally well-equiped to meet the emotional needs of others.

The INTP may have a problem with self-aggrandizement and social rebellion, which will interfere with their creative potential. Since their Feeling side is their least developed trait, the INTP may have difficulty giving the warmth and support that is sometimes necessary in intimate relationships. If the INTP doesn't realize the value of attending to other people's feelings, he or she may become overly critical and sarcastic with others. If the INTP is not able to find a place for themself which supports the use of their strongest abilities, they may become generally negative and cynical. If the INTP has not developed their Sensing side sufficiently, they may become unaware of their environment, and exhibit weakness in performing maintenance-type tasks, such as bill-paying and dressing appropriately.

For the INTP, it is extremely important that ideas and facts are expressed correctly and succinctly. They are likely to express themselves in what they believe to be absolute truths. Sometimes, their well thought-out understanding of an idea is not easily understandable by others, but the INTP is not naturally likely to tailor the truth so as to explain it in an understandable way to others. The INTP may be prone to abandoning a project once they have figured it out, moving on to the next thing. It's important that the INTP place importance on expressing their developed theories in understandable ways. In the end, an amazing discovery means nothing if you are the only person who understands it.

The INTP is usually very independent, unconventional, and original. They are not likely to place much value on traditional goals such as popularity and security. They usually have complex characters, and may tend to be restless and temperamental. They are strongly ingenious, and have unconventional thought patterns which allows them to analyze ideas in new ways. Consequently, a lot of scientific breakthroughs in the world have been made by the INTP.

The INTP is at his best when he can work on his theories independently. When given an environment which supports his creative genius and possible eccentricity, the INTP can accomplish truly remarkable things. These are the pioneers of new thoughts in our society.

INTPs live rich worlds inside their minds, which are full of imagination and excitement. Consequently, they sometimes find the external world pales in comparison. This may result in a lack of motivation to form and maintain relationships. INTPs are not likely to have a very large circle of significant relationships in their lives. They're much more likely to have a few very close relationships, which they hold in great esteem and with great affection. Since the INTP's primary focus and attention is turned inwards, aimed towards seeking clarity from abstract ideas, they are not naturally tuned into others' emotional feelings and needs. They tend to be difficult to get to know well, and hold back parts of themselves until the other person has proven themselves "worthy" of hearing the INTP's thoughts. Holding Knowledge and Brain Power above all else in importance, the INTP will choose to be around people who they consider to be intelligent. Once INTPs have committed themselves to a relationship, they tend to be very faithful and loyal, and form affectionate attachments which are pure and straight-forward. The INTP has no interest or understanding of game-playing with regards to relationships. However, if something happens which the INTP considers irreconcilable, they will leave the relationship and not look back.

INTP Strengths

● They feel love and affection for those close to them which is almost childlike in its purity

● Generally laid-back and easy-going, willing to defer to their mates

● Approach things which interest them very enthusiastically

● Richly imaginative and creative

● Do not feel personally threatened by conflict or criticism

● Usually are not demanding, with simple daily needs

INTP Weaknesses

● Not naturally in tune with others' feelings; slow to respond to emotional needs

● Not naturally good at expressing their own feelings and emotions

● Tend to be suspicious and distrusting of others

● Not usually good at practical matters, such as money management, unless their work involves these concerns

● They have difficulty leaving bad relationships

● Tend to "blow off" conflict situations by ignoring them, or else they "blow up" in heated anger

INTPs as Lovers

INTPs approach their intimate relationships quite seriously - as they approach most things in life. They take their vows and commitments seriously, and are usually faithful and loyal. They are usually pretty easy to live with and be around, because they have simple daily needs and are not overly demanding of their partners in almost any respect. While the INTP's internal life is highly theoretical and complex, their external life in comparison is usually quite simple. They like to keep the complexities of their external world to a minimum, so that they can focus their brain power on working through their theories internally. This makes them very straight-forward, honest lovers, with a love that is quite pure in its simple, uncomplicated nature.

Although they choose to keep things straight-forward in their relationships, this does not mean that the INTP is lacking in depth of feeling or passion. The INTP is very creative person, who has vivid imaginations. They can be very excitable and passionate about their love relationships. Sometimes, they have a problem reconciling the exciting visions of their internal worlds with the actuality of their external circumstances.

Sexually, the INTP usually approaches intimacy with enthusiasm and excitement. Some INTPs play down entirely the need for sexual relations in their lives, but most use their rich imaginations and child-like enthusiasm to make the most of the moment. The INTP will usually be experiencing the moment with vivid intensity inside their own minds, although this may or may not be apparent to their partner.

The largest area of potential strife in an INTP's intimate relationship is their slowness in understanding and meeting their partner's emotional needs. The INTP may be extremely dedicated to the relationship, and deeply in love with their partner, but may have no understanding of their mate's emotional life, and may not express their own feelings often or well. When INTPs do express themselves, it's likely to be in their own way at their own time, rather than in response to their partner's needs. If this is an issue which has caused serious problems in a relationship, the INTP should work on becoming more aware of their partner's feelings, and their partner should work on not requiring explicit positive affirmation to feel loved by the INTP.

INTPs do not like to deal with messy complications, such as interpersonal conflict, and so they may fall into the habit of ignoring conflict when it occurs. If they feel they must face the conflict, they're likely to approach it from an analytical perspective. This may aggravate the conflict situation, if their partner simply wants to feel that they are supported and loved. Most people (and especially those with the Feeling preference) simply want to be encouraged, affirmed and supported when they are upset. The INTP should practice meeting these needs in conflict situations.

Although two well-developed individuals of any type can enjoy a healthy relationship, the INTP's natural partner is the ENTJ, or the ESTJ. The INTP's dominant function of Introverted Thinking is best matched with a partner whose personality is dominated by Extraverted Thinking. The INTP/ENTJ match is ideal, because these types shared Intuition as a common way of perceiving the world, but INTP/ESTJ is also a good match.

I can't even BEGIN

To describe how annoyed I am with the young, gay population. I don't even want to be associated, no, I don't even want to be gay sometimes. They're loud, boisterous, obnoxious, in your face and they wonder why people view us with disdain. Really? You think pride parades with scantily clad, glittering men on pink feathered floats is going to get us civil rights? You think shoving your sexuality down other peoples' throats is going to make us look decently similar to the rest of the population and help us "fit in." It's wonderful that we're more comfortable and fluid in our sexuality, but the rest of the world isn't there yet. You can't force progress on people. As much as we deserve to be treated equally, we aren't acting like we really want it. I completely understand why people think we're asking for special privileges- When we act the way we do in public. It's ridiculous. Even feminism has often been taken way too far. What is this "womyn" business? Yes, it gets people's attention, but they brush it off with some negative comment and attribute it to a bunch of stereotypical angry, man-hating women. I don't hate me... but a lot of people ask me if I do. Whereas we understand the politics and vernacular, the general population doesn't. You can't say things that offend and belittle the people you're striving to find common ground with. I just can't go along with it anymore. I support the cause, but I don't support the actions being taken. While your intentions are wonderful, your path is way too forward. You have to take smaller steps and don't expect instant acceptance. zkjrbgkjekeg. I'm so frustrated right now, it's difficult to even continue. There are just so many things I want to say that I know people will get mad at me for and take the wrong way. But I really just don't care. Someone has to say it and I'll happily be looked down upon by my peers for what they may see as taking the side of the opposition. But there shouldn't be opposition. What we fight for is equality and if you want to be equal with someone, they're not your enemies, just different minded, maybe ignorant and uneducated, but not beneath you. People fear that which they don't understand. They can't empathize with screaming, rainbowed, glittery gay people... and really, I can't either. It's radical protests, events and standoffs that gain attention. But it's not the kind of the attention we're striving for. It's all gotten out of hand, and only stepping away from it can I see clearly. Honestly, I'm so relieved to be out of it. I was exactly the same way when I was 18, 19, 20. It's exciting to be able to embrace who you are, just don't try to make everyone else accept it too.

Inside it's 102 degrees

*Warning- This is creepy, and I was extremely feverish. However, I won't deny this is a large part of my recent mentality, as demented as it may sound. It's a part of me I struggle with on a daily basis, and in this case, it got the better of me. I wonder why I'm so exhausted... I have to control this all of the time. You may continue at your discretion...*

But in this feverish delusional state, I see myself more clearly than ever. A plethora of chaos, competing opposites and an inner turmoil that never ceases. The dark circles under my eyes reveal a lack of sleep, or maybe too much. I have to embrace the only realm I can control. My dreams are a myriad of vibrant colours and settings that bend to my will, always submitting. The only control I have, really. In a wakened state I am torn between the two halves that are at constant war with each other. But the darkness is currently, and has been prevailing.

I know exactly what I am. A tiny, insignificant piece in the grand scheme of nothing. Man thinks they are so great, so strong and so proud. But we are inferior beings. We destroy and give nothing back. But oh, we love so deeply. We offer each other so much! That's really fuckin cute. Optimism means nothing if you actually look at things. Selfishness is in our nature and only the ruthless will rise.

I revel in my misery, find comfort in suffering. I am sadistic, masochistic, apathetic, morbid and cold. That part of me that cared has been drained to almost nothing. It amuses me that people try so hard to see what's inside my head. They probe and ask stupid questions. That poor, troubled girl. Oh no, no. You're mistaken. Troubles are for those who are confused about who they are, where they stand. I know exactly who I am. If they only knew the things I see, the thoughts conceived. And yet they still try to get close. They enter that labyrinth surrounding, imposing, guarding that tiny part of me that cared. It's there somewhere, but there are so many walls built around it, so many obstacles and dead ends. Yes, the capacity is there, it kept trying to peak its head out and gain precedence, but it's been silenced. It's now a nearly empty void and I'm not interested in filling it with anything. It has been locked away for good reason, banished to the inner most depths. It is safe and untouched, intangible. It would be wise to turn around before your string runs out and you can't find the way back out.

I will never understand their efforts. They get nothing back, but a cold, blank stare or a carefully constructed facade. They don't comprehend that I won't let them in. Why shouldn't I? What they don't see is that I want to be alone. Solitude is my only refuge. No one will, can understand those narrow, winding paths that inevitably lead them nowhere. I prefer to watch, separating myself, creating a distance. I am not above anyone, just to the side, spectating, brooding, pondering other things. I see motive behind words and actions. I see emotions that I can't emulate. I feel nothing and want nothing. Sure, I can put on a friendly smile and act like I'm interested, happy, content. Anyone can do that. But this isn't a defense. I have nothing to defend. We are all trapped in this, but I don't want to play and I won't. I will sit in the dark, for the light is unnervingly painful and unpleasant. I am always watching and waiting. For what? I don't know. I'm just biding my time. The silence is perfect. Don't break it.

<3

I used to think I was ridiculously picky when it came to people I chose to be romantically involved with. And yes, there's the basic look- dark hair, light eyes- that makes me drool and stare like a creeper, but that's just me being weird. I've realized I'm not actually that picky, I just know exactly what I want. For a long time, I didn't even think that person existed, so I "lowered my standards," but was still unhappy with the result. I've recently discovered that my ideal match actually DOES exist, thus, there must be more of them out there and I'm not searching for something unattainable. Even though nothing is going to happen between me and said person, just knowing that everything I've ever wanted is actually out there in one amazingly beautiful, intelligent and fucking fantastic woman... I guess it's a relief knowing it's not hopeless. I find comfort in just knowing she's there, somewhere, and I'm not doomed to be alone and brooding forever.

I've also realized that I'm completely ok with being single. In fact, I rather enjoy it. I get to spend more time with me. I don't understand how people can jump from one relationship to another. Are they scared of being by themselves? Do they feel inadequate without someone there reinforcing their worth? How does one cope with that kind of erratic emotional roller coaster? Being single doesn't mean there's something wrong with you... But, unlike many single bachelor/ette(s), I won't get drunk and make out with randoms. I've been there, done that, aaaaaaaaaand- didn't like it. Made a lot of things awkward. I guess I just take that kind of behavior a little more seriously than most. It doesn't bother me that other people do it, but it's not who I am. Kissing someone is one of the most intimate acts and I'm not going to take that seemingly small step with someone I'm not interested in. Sharing saliva for no reason isn't really fun for me. I also get stupidly nervous/ awkward when someone's looking at me like that, and the feeling isn't mutual. I will find any way to slip out such situations. Superior evasion is one of my many acquired skills.

But as much as I love being alone, I can't pretend I'm not lonely sometimes. I really miss having that other person. I wrote this a few weeks ago:

More than anything else, more than having my health, more than living NOT with my parents, more than being in England... I miss being in love.

-When you're living to make someone else happy.
-When their smile is worth absolutely anything.
-When their laugh is the best laugh you've ever heard, and you'd say anything to hear it again.
-When the smell of their hair, their skin, their perfume completely relaxes you and feels like home.
-When you can just hold them for hours, wanting nothing else.
-When every song you hear reminds you of them.
-When stupid things remind you of them, and you have to text them to let them know.
-When you get butterflies every time you see them.
-When every imperfection makes them perfect, and every flaw makes you love them more.
-When you can completely give yourself to them, losing inhibitions and trusting them completely.
-When you want to tell them exactly how you feel, but are too afraid.
-When you never thought you could love someone so much.
-When their voice alone can give you the chills.
-When you know without a doubt that you'd give your life for them.

I think about that everyday. I fantasize about it, dream about it and I find reminders in everything I see and everywhere I go. But it doesn't make me sad that I don't have it, rather, I'm anticipating its return. I still don't think I'm ready to open up like that to someone, but maybe I just need that push or maybe I need to just jump and see what happens. I don't really know. But regardless, I've learned to be content with my situation, whatever it may be. You can't rush something like this. If there is one thing I am will to be patient and wait for, it's love. Because it is ALWAYS worth it.

13/1/09

So I was talking about this with Anna the other night. I guess I never realized how bad it was. I always thought it was normal, but after seeing other people thrive, or even just cope with social situations, I realize this isn't even remotely normal.

I've always enjoyed being alone. I've never been overly social. I like to be reclusive, and I could go days without talking to anyone, weeks maybe, and be absolutely fine. In fact, my ideal habitat is alone, in my room, with my rats, playing on my computer and listening to music. I understand that most introverts need time alone, but I seem to have taken it to the extreme. Where some people need 4 hours alone, after one hour of socializing, I need about 12. It's really hard for me to see more than one person a day, not including family, or even do more than one activity outside the comfort of my house. I get irrationally uncomfortable, hideously irritable and downright mean when I'm not given my alone time. I have anxiety attacks, I start twitching or shaking, become nauseated and sometimes sick. I've never really liked people in general, but this keeps progressing. Before I know it, I'll end up being a hermit in the woods, living in a cave and talking to a pet rock.

This, however, only applies to friends and acquaintances. Family isn't included, because I know they don't have any kind of expectations. I don't feel the need to have to talk to them if they're in the room. I know they're not going to think I'm arrogant or rude if I don't chit chat. I've also noticed that this doesn't apply to people I'm romantically involved with. I wanted to be with Rebecca and Denise constantly. They never agitated me and I never felt like they were intrusive. So, I don't understand why I don't want to be around my friends, people I love dearly, as much as I want to be alone. I can't seem to figure it out.

This also coincides with physical contact. I can't stand being touched by anyone, unless again, I like them more than a friend. Hugs make me insanely uncomfortable, even with family. If someone's sitting too close, I'll move, without even really noticing. I refuse to sleep in the same bed as anyone I'm not dating, because it feels wrong and strange. It makes me think I have some serious intimacy issues, and I don't know where that boundary is. Well, I know where it is for me, but I can't gauge where it is for others. I can't read body language to save my life and I'm completely oblivious to any flirting, on my part, or by others toward me. I used to be able to read people so well, but it's like I've shut everyone out and shut down. I'm living on my own little metal bubble. I just assume that I am unlikable, and a solitary unit. I've accepted my isolation and am afraid to lose it. Why? I haven't figured that out either. I guess it's progress to at least recognize the problems, but it's going to take more time to find their roots.

My mom tells me I was like that as a baby. My skin was so sensitive even the softest fabrics would irritate it. Whether the touching thing as simple as that, or some deeper psychological issue, I might never know. I should probably discuss it with my therapist. She always seems to know what's going on. I should probably also stop over analyzing myself... All the solitude gives me too much time to think about my flaws. I guess it's time to try and break out of my comfort zone, at least a little bit. I know I need to re-assimilate, I just don't really know how.

So Here I Am

Yet again, arguing with myself. My head is always try to keep my emotions in check. But rational shouldn't try to control emotions... that's ridiculous and completely impossible. Still, I try anyway. Also, I need to not have ANY kind expectations after I say no to something. I shouldn't be pissed, but I am anyway.

But back on the actual topic at hand. I really hate that time when you're laying in bed, looking back on the day and thinking about all the stupid things you've said. I feel like I'm constatly being a selfish douche. I hate it. Whenever I'm having conversations, the first thought in my head is, 'How does this affect me,' or 'How can I relate?' No one cares except me, and even I don't care that much... but I still do it. I get so frustrated with myself. Everything has to be about me, and I don't want it to be like that. No on fucking wants to hear shit like that. No one likes people like that. And really, I'd much rather know about what everyone else is doing.

But then I know I'm just being too hard on myself, which I also have to take into account. But it's hard to take a different perspective. Im usually so good at looking at things from several different angles, but never when it concerns me. And here I am, whining about me some more. But whatever, that's what blogs are for. I need to stop ragging on myself. If I made resolutions, that would probably be it.

I like to be completely honest

Whether that's a good thing, I don't really know yet. But I figure it's better than pretending to be something else.

I have a great life. My parents and I have a close relationship. I know I can tell my mom anything. We're financially stable. My friends are absolutely amazing. I haven't had to go through anything too dismal...and yet, I've never really been happy. Well, that's not true, but I don't want to jump the gun. We'll get to that.

I'm definitely not ungrateful for everything I have. There's no lack of love in my life, but I don't feel like I deserve it. I never have. I know this is completely irrational, but even knowing that doesn't change the way I feel.

I've always been way too hard on myself. I've set ridiculous standards that I feel like I should be able to easily achieve. But honestly, I don't know if anyone could live up to them. I still adamantly believe I should.

I try so fucking hard to be a good person, but I have this horrible habit of self destructing when I get close to being happy. Maybe I'm afraid to be happy. After all, once I get there, what do I do? Am I done? Can I maintain it? Is it real?

There was a time in my life where I was happy. I was in the place that I loved, with the woman I loved, doing what I loved. But in the end, I crashed and burned. I know it was no one's fault, it wouldn't have worked in the end anyway, but I still blame myself.

Love is probably the single most important thing to me. I know I have the capacity to give so much, to give my entire self to someone. I've done it, and it has made me happier than anything else. But I don't understand how that could even be partially reciprocated. What have I done to earn that from someone else? I don't feel good enough for someone to feel that way about me. I will still happily give myself to someone else, but I'm afraid my head and my heart will never achieve an equilibrium.

I'm so happy to point out the flaws I have, and completely ignore the positive attributes. I know this is horrible, I'm aware it's unhealthy, but I can't seem to change it. I've struggled with this for so long, and I don't know if I will ever be able to stop arguing with myself. And if I can't come to terms with myself, then I am in no place to even try to love someone else. If I can't give 100% in a relationship, I won't do it. That's not fair to the other person. It's selfish, and I've made the mistake of trying it before. I still feel horribly guilty about that... but no tangents.

I don't know why I feel the need to be perfect. I don't hold that over others. No one's perfect. And I'm definitely not better than anyone else, so why should I keep striving for something that's unattainable? I see all the things wrong with this illogical train of thought, but I'm unable to alter it. Admitting there's a problem is the first step, right? Well what do you do next? How do you fix something that you feel. You can't change the way you feel. Emotions are irrational and spontaneous and amazing... but what if the sentiment is detrimental to your well being? How the hell do you change an emotion?

I have a habit of isolating when I get upset. I know this doesn't help, and spending time with myself when I'm angry with myself gets me nowhere, sometimes even deeper into that hole. But sometimes I revel in my misery. I thrive when I'm depressed. I don't know if it's because I think it's safe (which it's obviously not), or because I'm emotionally masochistic.

I try so hard to figure myself out, and I just can't. I'm always so brooding and oblivious to what's going on around me, and with the people I love, that I come off as arrogant and self absorbed. I am self absorbed in a sense. All I generally think about is how I should be better than I am, why I'm not, and wondering what's wrong with me.

And all of that is just the tip of the iceberg. Inside my head is a nightmare, but I'm too afraid to leave it.