Introverted iNtuitive Thinking Perceiving

I took this a while ago, but I didn't know how I felt about the results, so I recently did it again. I don't think there's a single test that can ever explain a person entirely, but I think this is probably the closest yet.

INTP

The Theorist

Introverted iNtuitive Thinking Perceiving

As an INTP, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you deal with things rationally and logically. Your secondary mode is external, where you take things in primarily via your intuition.

INTPs live in the world of theoretical possibilities. They see everything in terms of how it could be improved, or what it could be turned into. They live primarily inside their own minds, having the ability to analyze difficult problems, identify patterns, and come up with logical explanations. They seek clarity in everything, and are therefore driven to build knowledge. They are the "absent-minded professors", who highly value intelligence and the ability to apply logic to theories to find solutions. They typically are so strongly driven to turn problems into logical explanations, that they live much of their lives within their own heads, and may not place as much importance or value on the external world. Their natural drive to turn theories into concrete understanding may turn into a feeling of personal responsibility to solve theoretical problems, and help society move towards a higher understanding.

INTPs value knowledge above all else. Their minds are constantly working to generate new theories, or to prove or disprove existing theories. They approach problems and theories with enthusiasm and skepticism, ignoring existing rules and opinions and defining their own approach to the resolution. They seek patterns and logical explanations for anything that interests them. They're usually extremely bright, and able to be objectively critical in their analysis. They love new ideas, and become very excited over abstractions and theories. They love to discuss these concepts with others. They may seem "dreamy" and distant to others, because they spend a lot of time inside their minds musing over theories. They hate to work on routine things - they would much prefer to build complex theoretical solutions, and leave the implementation of the system to others. They are intensely interested in theory, and will put forth tremendous amounts of time and energy into finding a solution to a problem with has piqued their interest.

INTPs do not like to lead or control people. They're very tolerant and flexible in most situations, unless one of their firmly held beliefs has been violated or challenged, in which case they may take a very rigid stance. The INTP is likely to be very shy when it comes to meeting new people. On the other hand, the INTP is very self-confident and gregarious around people they know well, or when discussing theories which they fully understand.

The INTP has no understanding or value for decisions made on the basis of personal subjectivity or feelings. They strive constantly to achieve logical conclusions to problems, and don't understand the importance or relevance of applying subjective emotional considerations to decisions. For this reason, INTPs are usually not in-tune with how people are feeling, and are not naturally well-equiped to meet the emotional needs of others.

The INTP may have a problem with self-aggrandizement and social rebellion, which will interfere with their creative potential. Since their Feeling side is their least developed trait, the INTP may have difficulty giving the warmth and support that is sometimes necessary in intimate relationships. If the INTP doesn't realize the value of attending to other people's feelings, he or she may become overly critical and sarcastic with others. If the INTP is not able to find a place for themself which supports the use of their strongest abilities, they may become generally negative and cynical. If the INTP has not developed their Sensing side sufficiently, they may become unaware of their environment, and exhibit weakness in performing maintenance-type tasks, such as bill-paying and dressing appropriately.

For the INTP, it is extremely important that ideas and facts are expressed correctly and succinctly. They are likely to express themselves in what they believe to be absolute truths. Sometimes, their well thought-out understanding of an idea is not easily understandable by others, but the INTP is not naturally likely to tailor the truth so as to explain it in an understandable way to others. The INTP may be prone to abandoning a project once they have figured it out, moving on to the next thing. It's important that the INTP place importance on expressing their developed theories in understandable ways. In the end, an amazing discovery means nothing if you are the only person who understands it.

The INTP is usually very independent, unconventional, and original. They are not likely to place much value on traditional goals such as popularity and security. They usually have complex characters, and may tend to be restless and temperamental. They are strongly ingenious, and have unconventional thought patterns which allows them to analyze ideas in new ways. Consequently, a lot of scientific breakthroughs in the world have been made by the INTP.

The INTP is at his best when he can work on his theories independently. When given an environment which supports his creative genius and possible eccentricity, the INTP can accomplish truly remarkable things. These are the pioneers of new thoughts in our society.

INTPs live rich worlds inside their minds, which are full of imagination and excitement. Consequently, they sometimes find the external world pales in comparison. This may result in a lack of motivation to form and maintain relationships. INTPs are not likely to have a very large circle of significant relationships in their lives. They're much more likely to have a few very close relationships, which they hold in great esteem and with great affection. Since the INTP's primary focus and attention is turned inwards, aimed towards seeking clarity from abstract ideas, they are not naturally tuned into others' emotional feelings and needs. They tend to be difficult to get to know well, and hold back parts of themselves until the other person has proven themselves "worthy" of hearing the INTP's thoughts. Holding Knowledge and Brain Power above all else in importance, the INTP will choose to be around people who they consider to be intelligent. Once INTPs have committed themselves to a relationship, they tend to be very faithful and loyal, and form affectionate attachments which are pure and straight-forward. The INTP has no interest or understanding of game-playing with regards to relationships. However, if something happens which the INTP considers irreconcilable, they will leave the relationship and not look back.

INTP Strengths

● They feel love and affection for those close to them which is almost childlike in its purity

● Generally laid-back and easy-going, willing to defer to their mates

● Approach things which interest them very enthusiastically

● Richly imaginative and creative

● Do not feel personally threatened by conflict or criticism

● Usually are not demanding, with simple daily needs

INTP Weaknesses

● Not naturally in tune with others' feelings; slow to respond to emotional needs

● Not naturally good at expressing their own feelings and emotions

● Tend to be suspicious and distrusting of others

● Not usually good at practical matters, such as money management, unless their work involves these concerns

● They have difficulty leaving bad relationships

● Tend to "blow off" conflict situations by ignoring them, or else they "blow up" in heated anger

INTPs as Lovers

INTPs approach their intimate relationships quite seriously - as they approach most things in life. They take their vows and commitments seriously, and are usually faithful and loyal. They are usually pretty easy to live with and be around, because they have simple daily needs and are not overly demanding of their partners in almost any respect. While the INTP's internal life is highly theoretical and complex, their external life in comparison is usually quite simple. They like to keep the complexities of their external world to a minimum, so that they can focus their brain power on working through their theories internally. This makes them very straight-forward, honest lovers, with a love that is quite pure in its simple, uncomplicated nature.

Although they choose to keep things straight-forward in their relationships, this does not mean that the INTP is lacking in depth of feeling or passion. The INTP is very creative person, who has vivid imaginations. They can be very excitable and passionate about their love relationships. Sometimes, they have a problem reconciling the exciting visions of their internal worlds with the actuality of their external circumstances.

Sexually, the INTP usually approaches intimacy with enthusiasm and excitement. Some INTPs play down entirely the need for sexual relations in their lives, but most use their rich imaginations and child-like enthusiasm to make the most of the moment. The INTP will usually be experiencing the moment with vivid intensity inside their own minds, although this may or may not be apparent to their partner.

The largest area of potential strife in an INTP's intimate relationship is their slowness in understanding and meeting their partner's emotional needs. The INTP may be extremely dedicated to the relationship, and deeply in love with their partner, but may have no understanding of their mate's emotional life, and may not express their own feelings often or well. When INTPs do express themselves, it's likely to be in their own way at their own time, rather than in response to their partner's needs. If this is an issue which has caused serious problems in a relationship, the INTP should work on becoming more aware of their partner's feelings, and their partner should work on not requiring explicit positive affirmation to feel loved by the INTP.

INTPs do not like to deal with messy complications, such as interpersonal conflict, and so they may fall into the habit of ignoring conflict when it occurs. If they feel they must face the conflict, they're likely to approach it from an analytical perspective. This may aggravate the conflict situation, if their partner simply wants to feel that they are supported and loved. Most people (and especially those with the Feeling preference) simply want to be encouraged, affirmed and supported when they are upset. The INTP should practice meeting these needs in conflict situations.

Although two well-developed individuals of any type can enjoy a healthy relationship, the INTP's natural partner is the ENTJ, or the ESTJ. The INTP's dominant function of Introverted Thinking is best matched with a partner whose personality is dominated by Extraverted Thinking. The INTP/ENTJ match is ideal, because these types shared Intuition as a common way of perceiving the world, but INTP/ESTJ is also a good match.

I can't even BEGIN

To describe how annoyed I am with the young, gay population. I don't even want to be associated, no, I don't even want to be gay sometimes. They're loud, boisterous, obnoxious, in your face and they wonder why people view us with disdain. Really? You think pride parades with scantily clad, glittering men on pink feathered floats is going to get us civil rights? You think shoving your sexuality down other peoples' throats is going to make us look decently similar to the rest of the population and help us "fit in." It's wonderful that we're more comfortable and fluid in our sexuality, but the rest of the world isn't there yet. You can't force progress on people. As much as we deserve to be treated equally, we aren't acting like we really want it. I completely understand why people think we're asking for special privileges- When we act the way we do in public. It's ridiculous. Even feminism has often been taken way too far. What is this "womyn" business? Yes, it gets people's attention, but they brush it off with some negative comment and attribute it to a bunch of stereotypical angry, man-hating women. I don't hate me... but a lot of people ask me if I do. Whereas we understand the politics and vernacular, the general population doesn't. You can't say things that offend and belittle the people you're striving to find common ground with. I just can't go along with it anymore. I support the cause, but I don't support the actions being taken. While your intentions are wonderful, your path is way too forward. You have to take smaller steps and don't expect instant acceptance. zkjrbgkjekeg. I'm so frustrated right now, it's difficult to even continue. There are just so many things I want to say that I know people will get mad at me for and take the wrong way. But I really just don't care. Someone has to say it and I'll happily be looked down upon by my peers for what they may see as taking the side of the opposition. But there shouldn't be opposition. What we fight for is equality and if you want to be equal with someone, they're not your enemies, just different minded, maybe ignorant and uneducated, but not beneath you. People fear that which they don't understand. They can't empathize with screaming, rainbowed, glittery gay people... and really, I can't either. It's radical protests, events and standoffs that gain attention. But it's not the kind of the attention we're striving for. It's all gotten out of hand, and only stepping away from it can I see clearly. Honestly, I'm so relieved to be out of it. I was exactly the same way when I was 18, 19, 20. It's exciting to be able to embrace who you are, just don't try to make everyone else accept it too.

Inside it's 102 degrees

*Warning- This is creepy, and I was extremely feverish. However, I won't deny this is a large part of my recent mentality, as demented as it may sound. It's a part of me I struggle with on a daily basis, and in this case, it got the better of me. I wonder why I'm so exhausted... I have to control this all of the time. You may continue at your discretion...*

But in this feverish delusional state, I see myself more clearly than ever. A plethora of chaos, competing opposites and an inner turmoil that never ceases. The dark circles under my eyes reveal a lack of sleep, or maybe too much. I have to embrace the only realm I can control. My dreams are a myriad of vibrant colours and settings that bend to my will, always submitting. The only control I have, really. In a wakened state I am torn between the two halves that are at constant war with each other. But the darkness is currently, and has been prevailing.

I know exactly what I am. A tiny, insignificant piece in the grand scheme of nothing. Man thinks they are so great, so strong and so proud. But we are inferior beings. We destroy and give nothing back. But oh, we love so deeply. We offer each other so much! That's really fuckin cute. Optimism means nothing if you actually look at things. Selfishness is in our nature and only the ruthless will rise.

I revel in my misery, find comfort in suffering. I am sadistic, masochistic, apathetic, morbid and cold. That part of me that cared has been drained to almost nothing. It amuses me that people try so hard to see what's inside my head. They probe and ask stupid questions. That poor, troubled girl. Oh no, no. You're mistaken. Troubles are for those who are confused about who they are, where they stand. I know exactly who I am. If they only knew the things I see, the thoughts conceived. And yet they still try to get close. They enter that labyrinth surrounding, imposing, guarding that tiny part of me that cared. It's there somewhere, but there are so many walls built around it, so many obstacles and dead ends. Yes, the capacity is there, it kept trying to peak its head out and gain precedence, but it's been silenced. It's now a nearly empty void and I'm not interested in filling it with anything. It has been locked away for good reason, banished to the inner most depths. It is safe and untouched, intangible. It would be wise to turn around before your string runs out and you can't find the way back out.

I will never understand their efforts. They get nothing back, but a cold, blank stare or a carefully constructed facade. They don't comprehend that I won't let them in. Why shouldn't I? What they don't see is that I want to be alone. Solitude is my only refuge. No one will, can understand those narrow, winding paths that inevitably lead them nowhere. I prefer to watch, separating myself, creating a distance. I am not above anyone, just to the side, spectating, brooding, pondering other things. I see motive behind words and actions. I see emotions that I can't emulate. I feel nothing and want nothing. Sure, I can put on a friendly smile and act like I'm interested, happy, content. Anyone can do that. But this isn't a defense. I have nothing to defend. We are all trapped in this, but I don't want to play and I won't. I will sit in the dark, for the light is unnervingly painful and unpleasant. I am always watching and waiting. For what? I don't know. I'm just biding my time. The silence is perfect. Don't break it.

<3

I used to think I was ridiculously picky when it came to people I chose to be romantically involved with. And yes, there's the basic look- dark hair, light eyes- that makes me drool and stare like a creeper, but that's just me being weird. I've realized I'm not actually that picky, I just know exactly what I want. For a long time, I didn't even think that person existed, so I "lowered my standards," but was still unhappy with the result. I've recently discovered that my ideal match actually DOES exist, thus, there must be more of them out there and I'm not searching for something unattainable. Even though nothing is going to happen between me and said person, just knowing that everything I've ever wanted is actually out there in one amazingly beautiful, intelligent and fucking fantastic woman... I guess it's a relief knowing it's not hopeless. I find comfort in just knowing she's there, somewhere, and I'm not doomed to be alone and brooding forever.

I've also realized that I'm completely ok with being single. In fact, I rather enjoy it. I get to spend more time with me. I don't understand how people can jump from one relationship to another. Are they scared of being by themselves? Do they feel inadequate without someone there reinforcing their worth? How does one cope with that kind of erratic emotional roller coaster? Being single doesn't mean there's something wrong with you... But, unlike many single bachelor/ette(s), I won't get drunk and make out with randoms. I've been there, done that, aaaaaaaaaand- didn't like it. Made a lot of things awkward. I guess I just take that kind of behavior a little more seriously than most. It doesn't bother me that other people do it, but it's not who I am. Kissing someone is one of the most intimate acts and I'm not going to take that seemingly small step with someone I'm not interested in. Sharing saliva for no reason isn't really fun for me. I also get stupidly nervous/ awkward when someone's looking at me like that, and the feeling isn't mutual. I will find any way to slip out such situations. Superior evasion is one of my many acquired skills.

But as much as I love being alone, I can't pretend I'm not lonely sometimes. I really miss having that other person. I wrote this a few weeks ago:

More than anything else, more than having my health, more than living NOT with my parents, more than being in England... I miss being in love.

-When you're living to make someone else happy.
-When their smile is worth absolutely anything.
-When their laugh is the best laugh you've ever heard, and you'd say anything to hear it again.
-When the smell of their hair, their skin, their perfume completely relaxes you and feels like home.
-When you can just hold them for hours, wanting nothing else.
-When every song you hear reminds you of them.
-When stupid things remind you of them, and you have to text them to let them know.
-When you get butterflies every time you see them.
-When every imperfection makes them perfect, and every flaw makes you love them more.
-When you can completely give yourself to them, losing inhibitions and trusting them completely.
-When you want to tell them exactly how you feel, but are too afraid.
-When you never thought you could love someone so much.
-When their voice alone can give you the chills.
-When you know without a doubt that you'd give your life for them.

I think about that everyday. I fantasize about it, dream about it and I find reminders in everything I see and everywhere I go. But it doesn't make me sad that I don't have it, rather, I'm anticipating its return. I still don't think I'm ready to open up like that to someone, but maybe I just need that push or maybe I need to just jump and see what happens. I don't really know. But regardless, I've learned to be content with my situation, whatever it may be. You can't rush something like this. If there is one thing I am will to be patient and wait for, it's love. Because it is ALWAYS worth it.

13/1/09

So I was talking about this with Anna the other night. I guess I never realized how bad it was. I always thought it was normal, but after seeing other people thrive, or even just cope with social situations, I realize this isn't even remotely normal.

I've always enjoyed being alone. I've never been overly social. I like to be reclusive, and I could go days without talking to anyone, weeks maybe, and be absolutely fine. In fact, my ideal habitat is alone, in my room, with my rats, playing on my computer and listening to music. I understand that most introverts need time alone, but I seem to have taken it to the extreme. Where some people need 4 hours alone, after one hour of socializing, I need about 12. It's really hard for me to see more than one person a day, not including family, or even do more than one activity outside the comfort of my house. I get irrationally uncomfortable, hideously irritable and downright mean when I'm not given my alone time. I have anxiety attacks, I start twitching or shaking, become nauseated and sometimes sick. I've never really liked people in general, but this keeps progressing. Before I know it, I'll end up being a hermit in the woods, living in a cave and talking to a pet rock.

This, however, only applies to friends and acquaintances. Family isn't included, because I know they don't have any kind of expectations. I don't feel the need to have to talk to them if they're in the room. I know they're not going to think I'm arrogant or rude if I don't chit chat. I've also noticed that this doesn't apply to people I'm romantically involved with. I wanted to be with Rebecca and Denise constantly. They never agitated me and I never felt like they were intrusive. So, I don't understand why I don't want to be around my friends, people I love dearly, as much as I want to be alone. I can't seem to figure it out.

This also coincides with physical contact. I can't stand being touched by anyone, unless again, I like them more than a friend. Hugs make me insanely uncomfortable, even with family. If someone's sitting too close, I'll move, without even really noticing. I refuse to sleep in the same bed as anyone I'm not dating, because it feels wrong and strange. It makes me think I have some serious intimacy issues, and I don't know where that boundary is. Well, I know where it is for me, but I can't gauge where it is for others. I can't read body language to save my life and I'm completely oblivious to any flirting, on my part, or by others toward me. I used to be able to read people so well, but it's like I've shut everyone out and shut down. I'm living on my own little metal bubble. I just assume that I am unlikable, and a solitary unit. I've accepted my isolation and am afraid to lose it. Why? I haven't figured that out either. I guess it's progress to at least recognize the problems, but it's going to take more time to find their roots.

My mom tells me I was like that as a baby. My skin was so sensitive even the softest fabrics would irritate it. Whether the touching thing as simple as that, or some deeper psychological issue, I might never know. I should probably discuss it with my therapist. She always seems to know what's going on. I should probably also stop over analyzing myself... All the solitude gives me too much time to think about my flaws. I guess it's time to try and break out of my comfort zone, at least a little bit. I know I need to re-assimilate, I just don't really know how.

So Here I Am

Yet again, arguing with myself. My head is always try to keep my emotions in check. But rational shouldn't try to control emotions... that's ridiculous and completely impossible. Still, I try anyway. Also, I need to not have ANY kind expectations after I say no to something. I shouldn't be pissed, but I am anyway.

But back on the actual topic at hand. I really hate that time when you're laying in bed, looking back on the day and thinking about all the stupid things you've said. I feel like I'm constatly being a selfish douche. I hate it. Whenever I'm having conversations, the first thought in my head is, 'How does this affect me,' or 'How can I relate?' No one cares except me, and even I don't care that much... but I still do it. I get so frustrated with myself. Everything has to be about me, and I don't want it to be like that. No on fucking wants to hear shit like that. No one likes people like that. And really, I'd much rather know about what everyone else is doing.

But then I know I'm just being too hard on myself, which I also have to take into account. But it's hard to take a different perspective. Im usually so good at looking at things from several different angles, but never when it concerns me. And here I am, whining about me some more. But whatever, that's what blogs are for. I need to stop ragging on myself. If I made resolutions, that would probably be it.

I like to be completely honest

Whether that's a good thing, I don't really know yet. But I figure it's better than pretending to be something else.

I have a great life. My parents and I have a close relationship. I know I can tell my mom anything. We're financially stable. My friends are absolutely amazing. I haven't had to go through anything too dismal...and yet, I've never really been happy. Well, that's not true, but I don't want to jump the gun. We'll get to that.

I'm definitely not ungrateful for everything I have. There's no lack of love in my life, but I don't feel like I deserve it. I never have. I know this is completely irrational, but even knowing that doesn't change the way I feel.

I've always been way too hard on myself. I've set ridiculous standards that I feel like I should be able to easily achieve. But honestly, I don't know if anyone could live up to them. I still adamantly believe I should.

I try so fucking hard to be a good person, but I have this horrible habit of self destructing when I get close to being happy. Maybe I'm afraid to be happy. After all, once I get there, what do I do? Am I done? Can I maintain it? Is it real?

There was a time in my life where I was happy. I was in the place that I loved, with the woman I loved, doing what I loved. But in the end, I crashed and burned. I know it was no one's fault, it wouldn't have worked in the end anyway, but I still blame myself.

Love is probably the single most important thing to me. I know I have the capacity to give so much, to give my entire self to someone. I've done it, and it has made me happier than anything else. But I don't understand how that could even be partially reciprocated. What have I done to earn that from someone else? I don't feel good enough for someone to feel that way about me. I will still happily give myself to someone else, but I'm afraid my head and my heart will never achieve an equilibrium.

I'm so happy to point out the flaws I have, and completely ignore the positive attributes. I know this is horrible, I'm aware it's unhealthy, but I can't seem to change it. I've struggled with this for so long, and I don't know if I will ever be able to stop arguing with myself. And if I can't come to terms with myself, then I am in no place to even try to love someone else. If I can't give 100% in a relationship, I won't do it. That's not fair to the other person. It's selfish, and I've made the mistake of trying it before. I still feel horribly guilty about that... but no tangents.

I don't know why I feel the need to be perfect. I don't hold that over others. No one's perfect. And I'm definitely not better than anyone else, so why should I keep striving for something that's unattainable? I see all the things wrong with this illogical train of thought, but I'm unable to alter it. Admitting there's a problem is the first step, right? Well what do you do next? How do you fix something that you feel. You can't change the way you feel. Emotions are irrational and spontaneous and amazing... but what if the sentiment is detrimental to your well being? How the hell do you change an emotion?

I have a habit of isolating when I get upset. I know this doesn't help, and spending time with myself when I'm angry with myself gets me nowhere, sometimes even deeper into that hole. But sometimes I revel in my misery. I thrive when I'm depressed. I don't know if it's because I think it's safe (which it's obviously not), or because I'm emotionally masochistic.

I try so hard to figure myself out, and I just can't. I'm always so brooding and oblivious to what's going on around me, and with the people I love, that I come off as arrogant and self absorbed. I am self absorbed in a sense. All I generally think about is how I should be better than I am, why I'm not, and wondering what's wrong with me.

And all of that is just the tip of the iceberg. Inside my head is a nightmare, but I'm too afraid to leave it.