Meh...

I know it's been awhile... but I usually try to write as an emotional release. And oh look, I have no emotions.

I still can't figure out what the point of anything is. I still have no motivation, and to top it off, no sign of emotion anywhere. Complete apathy. It's really boring. At least when I was miserable, I was comfortable and entertained by my dislike of everyone else. But I just realllllly don't care about anything. Nothing holds my attention, nothing is the least bit interesting... except my dreams. Those wings were fantastic. I'm still annoyed that they weren't still there when I woke up. Even my favorite shows and games are starting to become dull. Nothing's funny, except my own sardonic doom and gloom. Haaaa.

It seems like I get more anti-people everyday. I'm going in the opposite direction and recoiling back into myself. I need less and less social interaction and more silent nothingness. In fact, I've gotten to the point where I don't want to go anywhere or see anyone, at all, ever. Leaving the house makes me exceedingly uncomfortable and irritable. If anyone talks to me or God forbid touches me, I get agitated and angry. Any sign of affection seems wasted and brings about so much irrational anger. So I guess I don't feel absolutely nothing... but since interactions are few and far between, it's a rarity. I thought the walls were supposed to come down, but it's like they keep becoming increasingly fortified with new barriers for new, unknown reasons. What am I scared of? I mean besides intimacy and commitment. I don't really feel afraid of those... I'm just not interested. Those are for people who care about something.

I would love to dissolve away into nothingness. Completely evanesce. Vocab point. I want people to forget I was even there, so they don't feel the need to talk to me or see what I'm doing. I'm not doing anything, at all, I promise. Go away. I mean, I clean things... but that's about it. I'm too tired to do anything else. I go for a walk and then need to sleep for a year to recooperate. Why is everything so draining? And everything still fucking hurts >:( My shoulders, my back, my hips and my knees... contantly sore for no apparent reason.

My parents think I'm too connected. I'm really tempted to turn off my phone for a week and see if the world ends. Between that and Facebook and IM, I'm always in the middle of some conversation. Maybe that's the problem. I think I'm getting time to myself but I'm still talking to people. I really can't wait until Silchester so I can be completely cut off and in the middle of nowhere. And the archaeology doesn't try to talk to you. The bones don't want to have a conversation and the dirt isn't up for small talk.

It's really hard for me to view myself as normal when I don't know anyone near my level of reclusion. It's hard for me to identify with anyone, which is apparently what people need...? Affection, human companionship, blah blah blah. I try so hard to be social and nice and ew... I really don't WANT to identify with anyone. I don't want to have similarities. I like being seperate, off to the side and excluded from the general population... or everyone. Empathy is so ridiculously annoying. I'm not unhappy by myself. I'm unhappy when people take me away from being by myself. Maybe I should just stop trying to be what I'm blatantly not since it's making me so unhappy and uncomfortable. I love my friends, I really do... but I need to love you from a distance, at least until my need to be a hermit starts reversing. It was noooot this bad when I was in England. I don't understand what changed... but ever since I came back a year ago, it's been slowly progressing into longer and longer periods of required isolation. So how can I not think there's something wrong with me?

I've been looking for articles on extreme introversion... and I keep seeing things like, "Go from extreme introversion to extroversion!" Ew! Who wants to do that? That would be horrible! Maybe that's part of it. There's such an emphasis on being outgoing and it's held in higher regard. But I can't for the life of me understand why any sane introvert would want to change. Fitting in is definitely not worth it. I really need to stop viewing myself as unbalanced and just accept that I don't like people. Well, I have accepted it... I just keep trying to fix it. No more. I need to be content in my loathing. Yes, that makes me happy. Hooray! I'm not a robot afterall... I just need to find the right level of sarcasm and disdain to keep me entertained. Please take your optimism elsewhere. I will smash your joyous hearts and rainbows with reality :D

I might be confused, but I'm not insane... maybe

I've never been too fond of emotions. They cloud one's vision, leading to irrational decisions that usually end up fucking everything over. But I can usually figure out where said emotion is coming from. Find the root, fix it, emotion dealt with... but I don't even know what's going on in my head anymore. None of it makes any sense. I go from ok, to looking longingly at razors, to being so pissed off I could punch another hole in the wall, and then to feeling absolutely nothing- rinse, repeat. It's not bipolar disorder if you have no high, right Razjaz? So what the FUCK is wrong? I feel like this is more than depression. I'm so bloody confused. I go from wanting to be alone, to feeling ridiculously lonely and then bitter because I'm alone, and then pissed at myself for making it that way, but still not wanting anyone around me because I'm a ticking time bomb who will explode if you so much as set a toe in my personal space. It's a vicious cycle that refuses to end.

What pisses me off even more is when people try to empathize. Believe me, you don't know how I'm feeling right now. I don't know how I'm feeling right now. I don't need your condolences or your support. I didn't ask for it, I won't ask for it. I don't want it. Shoo. It's like I'm fighting against humanity. People need other people, but I don't like other people. They get in my space, they're loud, they touch me and it makes me irate and nauseated. I know I can't be alone forever, as much as I think I like it. I'm still human, bleh, and I can't just delete that part of my wiring. Ha, if only it were that easy. I thought if I stopped smoking, if I cut out the people who stressed me out, if I tried to have more quality time with myself, things would get better. Sooooo why aren't things better? Why are they reverting- getting worse again. I still have a small amount of control left, but what happens when that runs out? I can't let it get to that point.

I went to a church class today. I know, me, church, ha. I went expecting to just get pissed, justify my skepticism. I didn't expect to get anything out of it, but I did. I have never heard anything like this before. I can't stand organized religion. It's manipulative bullshit that they use to scare people into doing their bidding and getting their money. But this... this was questioning everything the Bible said. He said that the Resurrection never happened. Well, not literally. And there's no evidence to say that it actually did. Accounts in the Bible of Easter don't coincide with each other. Most Christians would consider that blasphemous, but the way he explained it was being a Resurrection of one's life, finding new meaning and faith- Respecting and loving everyone, finding peace through love. I honestly don't know what to think right now. I'm still skeptical because I know I'm easily influenced in this state of confusion and as Susannah said, you can easily get engulfed amidst someone else's logic. And honestly, when have I ever gotten along or agreed with religion? Hello, never. But this was different. This felt ok. This felt safe, maybe even right. I don't even want to tell any of my friends about this because they're going to think I've completely lost it. I'm not subscribing to anything here, but I'm curious to hear more. I enjoy blaspheming, well, what some might consider to be blaspheming. These teachings go against everything I've ever thought the church stood for, and they're preaching it, and it's still considered Christian. Ew, I don't ever want to be considered a Christian. It's not what it used to be. There's a stigma of hypocritical, judgmental manipulation that goes along with that title, and that is not what this stuff was about. I can't even explain it very well, it was just so... It was what Christians claim to be- compassionate, with unconditional love for others. By living one's life according to to this, love and faith prevail over everything, even death. And really, that's how people should live, isn't it? Helping each other? Even if the faith here ended up being misplaced and nothing came of it, I'd be completely okay knowing that I tried my best to love others, to do what I could to try and ease suffering. Is Jesus God's son? Hell if I know, but he came up with some pretty fantastic concepts, whoever the fuck he was.

Now, that's what I should want- to be a good person, help those less fortunate, etc. But I'm not strong enough for that. I'm selfish, pessimistic, grumpy and I don't like other people, let alone care about their welfare. I know we're all in this together, but I'd rather go live with the 'animals.' Love thy neighbor? No. Evict thy neighbor so I can have some quiet. I want to be a better person, I really do, but I don't know if I have it in me. I don't know if that's the path I'm supposed to follow. Aaaaand here comes a Xena reference. Way of the warrior vs. way of love. Both are right for different people. Maybe that's just not who I'm meant to be, some loving, mushy, gross person. It makes me gag a little. I just need to find my path, whatever it might be. And soon would be nice. I'm getting restless. Maybe this is supposed to help me find that path, maybe not. I just need to keep my mind open to whatever may come. But that's easier said than done. I'm much better at shutting everything out than letting even a speck of dust in. I just don't know. I'm uncomfortable in my confusion. I don't like it. It's sticky.