:)

I feel like I'm finally facing all of the issues that have been plaguing me, rather than trying to ignore them and mope about in self pity. I've been trying so hard to address the lack of trust, the cynicism, the anger and the depression and I think I'm finally getting somewhere.

People often tell me I always look pissed. Generally, I'm annoyed by something, but I'm rarely angry. It takes a lot to make me angry and even then, I usually internalize it and take it out on myself. But I'm not pissed, I'm just thinking about something intently, which usually makes me frown. I dunno why. Maybe I'm frustrated because I can't figure out whatever it is I'm analyzing. I tend to over think things and try to look at an issue from every possible perspective. So, it's no wonder I look brooding and angry. Life = complicated and I live in my head.

I know I'm extremely closed off and distant. A lot has happened in the past few years that I wasn't ready or able to cope with. Numerous deaths, the loss of what I thought were good friends, heart-break, diseases. I know none of these things compare to what some people face, but it has been extremely difficult for me to face a lot in my past, as mundane as it may seem. Currently, my dad is facing heart surgery, an uncle just died, one of my dogs is near his end, I possibly have an uncurable malady and I'm battling a depression that runs much deeper than I had previously believed. Right now it's easier for me to run away, be alone, and try to deal with things by becoming reclusive and facing them in my own, strange way. I know some people take this personally, and think I'm just ignoring or neglecting them. I promise this isn't the case. I have a lot on my plate right now, and I'm doing the best I can. It's bound to get better and I'm sure eventually I'll be less socially disabled. I've always been awkward, so I guess I'm kind of stuck with that. But that's ok- it's kind of funny.

I can't thank my friends enough for sticking by me while I made the same mistakes time and time again. Susannah, Jasmine, Erika, Jessye, Anna, Amy, Shaina, Jessica... I'm sure I'm forgetting people, and I apologize, but all of you have been such a wonderful support in my life, and I'm so very grateful to call you friends. I don't say it enough- I love you so very much <3

Things are definitely improving. I'm becoming more confident, accepting and comfortable with myself, my mistakes, flaws etc. It's still hard for me to view the positive aspects of myself, but I'm trying not to be so hard on myself and hold myself to such ridiculous standards that only a God could maintain. I'm going to be starting school again at ASU in the fall, and depending on what the Dr. tells me, I want to look for a job... I know... in this economy, good luck. I'm heading back to England this summer and I couldn't possibly be more excited. My therapist told me that all I need to do when I get upset is to think about England, because I light up when I talk about it to other people, regardless of whether or not they have any idea what I'm talking about. I know this annoys some people, but I don't know what it is about that place. I truly feel home, alive and completely content there. Maybe it's just all in my head, but that's ok. I don't mean to be obnoxious, I just want to share the joy I have.

I have great aspirations and I don't feel like they're unattainable anymore. I know I have more bad days than good ones right now, but I also know that those good times are still out there and I'll find them. I won't stop until I do. I deserve to be happy. I need to treat myself with love and respect and take the time I need to do so. I will get where I want in life and I've just hit a small road block. I'm so very lucky to have such supportive friends and parents and I love you all so very, very much. I can't thank you enough for everything you've done for me, and all the times you've been there when I needed you most. I can only hope that I can do the same for you because as much as I never want to admit such things, I DO need other people and I DO care, maybe too much. You all mean the world to me, and you've all helped me in my recent struggling. Again, thank you. You've seen me as I truely am, and you stayed. That kind of loyalty is such a precious thing.
<3

3/3/09

I like how I just started talking to people again, and I'm already a disaster. It's already been way too overwhelming. There are all these expectations I can't meet, things I just can't do. It makes me like myself less and less to not be able to provide what should come easily. But really...

Why do I pull away most of the time? Because even when people say they understand that I need space and I need to be left alone, they still pull at me and try to get me to overcome it. But I can't. I can't change who I am and what I need. I'm not going to change and all this pulling and pressure is just making everything worse. No one is excluded from that. No one gets special privileges. It's not even funny to joke about. I panic. I freak out and I can't handle peoples' demands.

I'm not some depressed kid who actually wants lots of friends but is too shy to come out of their shell. I really do want my space and to be alone, as hard as that is for some people to understand. If anyone pushes that, it's going to end very, very quickly. I'm not putting up with it anymore. I'm putting my own comfort level first and I'm done feeling guilty for needing my distance. People are going to have to understand that this isn't personal. If we're going to be friends, you'll have to understand all of this. If I don't talk to you on a regular basis, it doesn't mean I don't like you. This is just who I am. If you can't put up with that, or you need more, I'm sorry, but it's not going to happen. No, I'm not sorry. I'm done being sorry and I'm not going to pretend I'm something I'm not.