Meh...

I know it's been awhile... but I usually try to write as an emotional release. And oh look, I have no emotions.

I still can't figure out what the point of anything is. I still have no motivation, and to top it off, no sign of emotion anywhere. Complete apathy. It's really boring. At least when I was miserable, I was comfortable and entertained by my dislike of everyone else. But I just realllllly don't care about anything. Nothing holds my attention, nothing is the least bit interesting... except my dreams. Those wings were fantastic. I'm still annoyed that they weren't still there when I woke up. Even my favorite shows and games are starting to become dull. Nothing's funny, except my own sardonic doom and gloom. Haaaa.

It seems like I get more anti-people everyday. I'm going in the opposite direction and recoiling back into myself. I need less and less social interaction and more silent nothingness. In fact, I've gotten to the point where I don't want to go anywhere or see anyone, at all, ever. Leaving the house makes me exceedingly uncomfortable and irritable. If anyone talks to me or God forbid touches me, I get agitated and angry. Any sign of affection seems wasted and brings about so much irrational anger. So I guess I don't feel absolutely nothing... but since interactions are few and far between, it's a rarity. I thought the walls were supposed to come down, but it's like they keep becoming increasingly fortified with new barriers for new, unknown reasons. What am I scared of? I mean besides intimacy and commitment. I don't really feel afraid of those... I'm just not interested. Those are for people who care about something.

I would love to dissolve away into nothingness. Completely evanesce. Vocab point. I want people to forget I was even there, so they don't feel the need to talk to me or see what I'm doing. I'm not doing anything, at all, I promise. Go away. I mean, I clean things... but that's about it. I'm too tired to do anything else. I go for a walk and then need to sleep for a year to recooperate. Why is everything so draining? And everything still fucking hurts >:( My shoulders, my back, my hips and my knees... contantly sore for no apparent reason.

My parents think I'm too connected. I'm really tempted to turn off my phone for a week and see if the world ends. Between that and Facebook and IM, I'm always in the middle of some conversation. Maybe that's the problem. I think I'm getting time to myself but I'm still talking to people. I really can't wait until Silchester so I can be completely cut off and in the middle of nowhere. And the archaeology doesn't try to talk to you. The bones don't want to have a conversation and the dirt isn't up for small talk.

It's really hard for me to view myself as normal when I don't know anyone near my level of reclusion. It's hard for me to identify with anyone, which is apparently what people need...? Affection, human companionship, blah blah blah. I try so hard to be social and nice and ew... I really don't WANT to identify with anyone. I don't want to have similarities. I like being seperate, off to the side and excluded from the general population... or everyone. Empathy is so ridiculously annoying. I'm not unhappy by myself. I'm unhappy when people take me away from being by myself. Maybe I should just stop trying to be what I'm blatantly not since it's making me so unhappy and uncomfortable. I love my friends, I really do... but I need to love you from a distance, at least until my need to be a hermit starts reversing. It was noooot this bad when I was in England. I don't understand what changed... but ever since I came back a year ago, it's been slowly progressing into longer and longer periods of required isolation. So how can I not think there's something wrong with me?

I've been looking for articles on extreme introversion... and I keep seeing things like, "Go from extreme introversion to extroversion!" Ew! Who wants to do that? That would be horrible! Maybe that's part of it. There's such an emphasis on being outgoing and it's held in higher regard. But I can't for the life of me understand why any sane introvert would want to change. Fitting in is definitely not worth it. I really need to stop viewing myself as unbalanced and just accept that I don't like people. Well, I have accepted it... I just keep trying to fix it. No more. I need to be content in my loathing. Yes, that makes me happy. Hooray! I'm not a robot afterall... I just need to find the right level of sarcasm and disdain to keep me entertained. Please take your optimism elsewhere. I will smash your joyous hearts and rainbows with reality :D