I like how I just started talking to people again, and I'm already a disaster. It's already been way too overwhelming. There are all these expectations I can't meet, things I just can't do. It makes me like myself less and less to not be able to provide what should come easily. But really...
Why do I pull away most of the time? Because even when people say they understand that I need space and I need to be left alone, they still pull at me and try to get me to overcome it. But I can't. I can't change who I am and what I need. I'm not going to change and all this pulling and pressure is just making everything worse. No one is excluded from that. No one gets special privileges. It's not even funny to joke about. I panic. I freak out and I can't handle peoples' demands.
I'm not some depressed kid who actually wants lots of friends but is too shy to come out of their shell. I really do want my space and to be alone, as hard as that is for some people to understand. If anyone pushes that, it's going to end very, very quickly. I'm not putting up with it anymore. I'm putting my own comfort level first and I'm done feeling guilty for needing my distance. People are going to have to understand that this isn't personal. If we're going to be friends, you'll have to understand all of this. If I don't talk to you on a regular basis, it doesn't mean I don't like you. This is just who I am. If you can't put up with that, or you need more, I'm sorry, but it's not going to happen. No, I'm not sorry. I'm done being sorry and I'm not going to pretend I'm something I'm not.
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It's because we miss you. I can't speak for anyone else, but I'd say it's a fair bet no one wants to demand things from you or expects you to all of a sudden be sociable. We just miss you.
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