:/

I know it's been awhile, but nothing's really changed and whining about fibro pain gets old really quickly. I know no one wants to hear me complain. Hell, I don't want to hear me complain either. Anyway, this was my summer. It was... well... not as spectacular as last year.

I was really hoping that when I went back to England this summer, all of these medical issues would magically disappear and I'd be so ridiculously happy to be playing in the dirt that nothing would matter. If only. I was supposed to be on site for 8 weeks, including debackfill and backfill, as well as the six regular weeks of digging. Unfortunately, after the first week, which was just preparing the site for the students, I was already feeling it. I pushed it another two weeks before talking to my parents about how miserable I actually was. I'd put on that facade of "everything's wonderful!" for as long as I could. Not only was my body rebelling every chance it could, my migraines had increased to anywhere from one to four times a week. Not only did they become more prevelent, but they've started inducing vomiting and triggering the rest of my pain into starting super flares. The constant rainy weather kept my joints achy and non-functional. Every time I bent down my knees made a horrible cracking noise and half the time I fell over. There were nights I couldn't sleep at all because my hips were throbbing so intensely I couldn't find a comfortable position that took enough eight off of them. Even codeine didn't seem to even dull the pain, nor did alcohol. I didn't get to go to a single party at Silch. Pirate night was hindered by a migraine, as was beer festival. Other nights I was just too sore and exhausted to stay conscious past dinner.

In the end... well, I didn't make to the end. I decided it would be best to come home early so I wouldn't end up back in the hospital because I pushed it too far. I did, in fact, push it a lot more than I should have. Even though I'm back in a real bed, with a real shower and air conditioning, I'm still really struggling to adjust. I'm still covered in Tinea Versicolor from the humidity in England, which keeps me exhausted. I don't like being a host for some stupid fungus. The vasculitis seems to be returning and despite being in a dry climate, my joints still hate me. My migraines haven't eased up at all and I'm kind of at a loss as to what I'm supposed to do to help my body cope. I'm either sleeping all day, completely debilitated, or combating sleep paralysis and having horrifying hallucinations. Regardless of the amount of sleep I get, I'm sooooo very tired. I've tried keeping a normal schedule, and I've succeeded.... once. I can't keep my eyes open.

It's hard not to be depressed when you realize that your favorite activity can no longer be your career. There's no way I can be a field archaeologist if I can't even bend down to get close to the context, pick up a trowel, or even carry a bucket of dirt out of the trench. I'd be panicking if I wasn't too tired to care. It's also hard to maintain any kind of stable mood when you're physically drained and generally miserable. I'm losing interest in everything. Thatcher is annoying, Toby smells, the girls don't seem to care- except Akasha who gave me cuddles last night. I don't want to do anything because it hurts. I don't want to see anyone because I'm angry and I look pretty pathetic. It's hard not to burst into tears and lock myself in my room. Any relief I get is less than temporary. I definitely didn't expect this trip to make things exponentially worse, but it sure did.

I don't know what I want anymore. England used to make me so happy. I loved it so much more than anything else... but now I think it was just an escape and really isn't any better than anywhere else. It was just a fantasy... that died violently. So now I'm lost, I'm grumpier than normal, and I'm ready to crawl back under my rock. I've been in one of those, "what's the point of anything?" moods for the past few days. I'm sure it will pass... but it's really hard to get out of and look at things from a more optimistic perspective right now. I'm much better at brooding and I don't have the strength to be a bigger person right now.