5/09/09

I don't even know why I'm writing on here... I probably shouldn't be, but it's not like I have anything else to do. That's a lie, I just don't want to do anything... at all. I definitely don't have a reason to be this emotional right now, and yet I'm such a complete and utter train wreck. No, it's more like a train ran into a nuclear power plant. I don't remember the last time I cried like this. I probably at least had a reason then.

I used to love being alone. Now I can't stand it. It's terrifying be left alone with your thoughts when you're so mean to yourself. At least when someone else is here, I'm not beating myself up for being so behind in school, for being too sick to do anything. I keep telling myself I'm psychosomatic since no one ever finds anything wrong. I must be lying to myself, right? There's probably nothing even wrong with me, besides the fact that I'm a headcase.

Why the fuck can't I focus? Why don't I care? What happened to me? I used to have so many friends but I've become this horribly antisocial person who never talks to anyone anymore. I feel like I've been taking steps backward from my complete meltdown last year, and I can't get out of the cycle. I was going to be so successful... but now what? Why don't I care? Why do I want to go into a dreamless sleep and never wake up? Why am I so heinously depressed? I have no right to feel like this. I have everything I could ever want.

But this has just been the past few days, right? I don't always feel like this. I was happy recently. I remember saying it, but I'm so far down that hole right now that I can't remember what it felt like. I have no faith in myself anymore, I have no faith in the world. Everything in this country is going to shit, so what's the point? I didn't used to roll over and give up, but it's like the fight has been sucked out of me. I want to know what happened to the happy, opinionated, friendly, social me. I liked her. She was actually accomplishing things I don't like this selfish, greedy, empty shell.

See, I shouldn't be writing, but I don't have any other outlet. I know I don't always feel like this. I couldn't- I wouldn't have made it. But when you're trapped in this void, it seems like there's nothing else. I'll just continue to count on myself to cope the only way I know how.