Constant Struggle

I guess you could say I still haven't accepted my diagnosis of fibromyalgia. I'm only 22. I'm too young for this, right? How does a bad infection lead to an incurable disease?

Sure, the pain is real, the depression, migraines constant fatigue and the myriad of other symptoms are real... so why can't I accept that the disease itself is real when it's had such an impact on everything else. When I see Dr's who don't believe this disease is real, it gets ingrained in my subconscious and I start to think I'm just psychosomatic.

More than anything, I've wanted to be a field archaeologist. But when I returned to the field this past summer to continue excavations on a Roman Britain site just south of London, I couldn't do it. The energy wasn't there. The pain was too great. The migraines were overbearing and as much as I love sleeping in a tent and roughing it for a couple months, my body just can't handle it. What do you do when your dreams are shattered by something you can't even begin to control or understand?

There's this vicious cycle of pain-depression-pain that I can't seem to break. I blame myself for being so sluggish and exhausted, but when I try to accomplish things, the pain only increases until I'm debilitated. My activity level has gone almost to nil. I missed a whole year of classes trying to figure out what's been wrong with me. I've lost so much time and feel like I've failed myself, that I'm continually failing myself. I'm stronger than this. Why am I submitting?

I know I've always had extremely high expectations for myself. Sometimes they're way beyond my reach, and even though I can see that, I still expect myself to be able to reach them. But this... horrible barrier has all but broken me and I just don't know how to cope. I worry that there's no solution for the pain constantly throbbing and burning through my legs. Narcotics do nothing, nor do I particularly want them. I'm starting to consider using MJ medically, but I still worry that it will just make me lazier and I still won't get anything completed. Even with my strict discipline, I fear falling back into an addiction I just recently broke out of.

I guess I just don't know what to do, or how to help myself. I'm frightened and I feel alone in this, although I know I have plenty of support. I feel guilty for cancelling plans with friends, not making it to class, not being as productive as I used to be. I'm open to any thoughts, suggestions, anything at all. Any help would be so greatly appreciated. Even just knowing someone understands is more than enough. I don't like being this vulnerable, but I know I can't let my pride stand in the way of getting the help I need.

I feel so selfish when I have to make my parents come home because it's not safe for me to be by myself anymore. I never thought i'd bring myself to ask, but it was either that or something much worse. I feel like such a burden becase I can't even be trusted to be alone when I crash and burn for absolutely no reason. I thought I was passed this, I'm not 13 anymore. But here it came again, forcing me to be sedated so I stop twitching and bawling, causing me to vomit up the medicine that's supposed to be my hold on sanity. I've never felt more ashamed and pathetic, which only leads to anger the need to punish myself for another failure. I'm glad I've made so much progress. Good job self. Way to fuck it all up again.

The one thing I want more than anything else I don't feel like I have the right to ask for :/

5/09/09

I don't even know why I'm writing on here... I probably shouldn't be, but it's not like I have anything else to do. That's a lie, I just don't want to do anything... at all. I definitely don't have a reason to be this emotional right now, and yet I'm such a complete and utter train wreck. No, it's more like a train ran into a nuclear power plant. I don't remember the last time I cried like this. I probably at least had a reason then.

I used to love being alone. Now I can't stand it. It's terrifying be left alone with your thoughts when you're so mean to yourself. At least when someone else is here, I'm not beating myself up for being so behind in school, for being too sick to do anything. I keep telling myself I'm psychosomatic since no one ever finds anything wrong. I must be lying to myself, right? There's probably nothing even wrong with me, besides the fact that I'm a headcase.

Why the fuck can't I focus? Why don't I care? What happened to me? I used to have so many friends but I've become this horribly antisocial person who never talks to anyone anymore. I feel like I've been taking steps backward from my complete meltdown last year, and I can't get out of the cycle. I was going to be so successful... but now what? Why don't I care? Why do I want to go into a dreamless sleep and never wake up? Why am I so heinously depressed? I have no right to feel like this. I have everything I could ever want.

But this has just been the past few days, right? I don't always feel like this. I was happy recently. I remember saying it, but I'm so far down that hole right now that I can't remember what it felt like. I have no faith in myself anymore, I have no faith in the world. Everything in this country is going to shit, so what's the point? I didn't used to roll over and give up, but it's like the fight has been sucked out of me. I want to know what happened to the happy, opinionated, friendly, social me. I liked her. She was actually accomplishing things I don't like this selfish, greedy, empty shell.

See, I shouldn't be writing, but I don't have any other outlet. I know I don't always feel like this. I couldn't- I wouldn't have made it. But when you're trapped in this void, it seems like there's nothing else. I'll just continue to count on myself to cope the only way I know how.