I guess you could say I still haven't accepted my diagnosis of fibromyalgia. I'm only 22. I'm too young for this, right? How does a bad infection lead to an incurable disease?
Sure, the pain is real, the depression, migraines constant fatigue and the myriad of other symptoms are real... so why can't I accept that the disease itself is real when it's had such an impact on everything else. When I see Dr's who don't believe this disease is real, it gets ingrained in my subconscious and I start to think I'm just psychosomatic.
More than anything, I've wanted to be a field archaeologist. But when I returned to the field this past summer to continue excavations on a Roman Britain site just south of London, I couldn't do it. The energy wasn't there. The pain was too great. The migraines were overbearing and as much as I love sleeping in a tent and roughing it for a couple months, my body just can't handle it. What do you do when your dreams are shattered by something you can't even begin to control or understand?
There's this vicious cycle of pain-depression-pain that I can't seem to break. I blame myself for being so sluggish and exhausted, but when I try to accomplish things, the pain only increases until I'm debilitated. My activity level has gone almost to nil. I missed a whole year of classes trying to figure out what's been wrong with me. I've lost so much time and feel like I've failed myself, that I'm continually failing myself. I'm stronger than this. Why am I submitting?
I know I've always had extremely high expectations for myself. Sometimes they're way beyond my reach, and even though I can see that, I still expect myself to be able to reach them. But this... horrible barrier has all but broken me and I just don't know how to cope. I worry that there's no solution for the pain constantly throbbing and burning through my legs. Narcotics do nothing, nor do I particularly want them. I'm starting to consider using MJ medically, but I still worry that it will just make me lazier and I still won't get anything completed. Even with my strict discipline, I fear falling back into an addiction I just recently broke out of.
I guess I just don't know what to do, or how to help myself. I'm frightened and I feel alone in this, although I know I have plenty of support. I feel guilty for cancelling plans with friends, not making it to class, not being as productive as I used to be. I'm open to any thoughts, suggestions, anything at all. Any help would be so greatly appreciated. Even just knowing someone understands is more than enough. I don't like being this vulnerable, but I know I can't let my pride stand in the way of getting the help I need.
For a long time I really wanted to do research with an ethnobotanical component and I deserately want(ed) to work in the rainforest. Obviously, that's not possible for me, but I let those interests guide me to a new career option. No, I'll never do fieldwork, especially in the rainforest, but I can do research that lets me think about things I've always been interested in - how and why plants are important to people - and new passions, like climate change.
ReplyDeleteI know it's devasting to give up a dream. And I know how you feel like you have to keep working towards it no matter how much it hurts, but sometimes it's best to find another path instead of climbing the mountain.
Illnesses like this are more debilitating in the beginning because you haven't yet learned how to live life with them instead of in spite of them. The trick is not to push against your limits and your body until you collapse, it is to learn what your body is telling you. There are boundaries you can push and limits that you have to stay within, and there are signals your body will give you when you are pushing too far, you just have to learn what they are and what they mean.
ReplyDeleteAnd sometimes you have to be nice to your body, even if it's not necessarily what you want. I tend to see it as bargaining. Give a little to the illness and take a little for yourself.
No one accepts chronic illness quickly, especially one as fraught with medical disbelief as Fibromyalgia. It's time to forgive yourself for "time wasted," as you seem to believe, and dedicate some time to finding the most efficient way to work within the parameters of your illness, and what you can do to mitigate the backlash when you inevitably step outside those parameters.
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