The Sickness is Myself

I’ve always known I was different. Not only in who I am, but the way I think. I’ve always prided myself in being the weird one, but it wasn’t until recently that I started really delving into it. I’d been telling my mom for quite some time that there’s something wrong with my mental processes, especially in the emotions department. Always leaning toward the negative, I started thinking I was somewhat sociopathic. Luckily for me, I’m not THAT damaged. As it turns out there isn’t anything ‘wrong’, I’ve just been dealing with a mild form of autism. Chances are YOU had absolutely no idea. But that’s good. That means I’ve been doing well. If you could see into my head though… you’d probably be concerned.

I suppose we should go back to the beginning, since that’s when people are usually diagnosed a disorder like autism. The major criteria are supposed to appear before three years of age. I definitely fit into that mold. When I was three weeks old, I travelled for the first time. This first dramatic change of environment brought on extreme bouts colitis, vomiting, and a general sense of chaos in my nervous system. My system continued to be under shock at any slight change and I had to be fed predigested formula to help my terrified little body. It was obvious that I was oversensitive, but no one really looked that much into it, besides my mom, who worked as a speech pathologist and has her MA in psychology. My grandmother thought I was deaf for awhile because I was unresponsive when I was spoken to. I didn’t make eye contact and I never sought out social interactions I always had to be forced into them No one was ever allowed to touch me without consent, but I enjoyed sleeping in enclosed spaces and wrapping myself tightly in blankets. My favorite place to sleep was in the closet (buh dum). I pretended I couldn’t crawl, although it was obvious I was moving around somehow. I never babbled, but moved directly to full words and sentences at a later age. I used toys “incorrectly.” Really, I just made them suit my purpose. A family friend insisted I needed some dolls. My mom later found them decapitated and naked, hanging upside down in my closet. I dunno what that purpose was… Tantrums were a common occurrence, especially if I were at all tired. Noise and other uncontrollable environmental factors would set me off into a panic.

In elementary school I never had many friends. Teachers were drawn to me, and sometimes students… but probably just because I’m so weird. Those few people I did call friends were extremely close. Around puberty things got a lot worse. 13-14 were really difficult years. If I hadn’t had the amazing support from my family and the best teacher ever- Mrs Gina Aldridge- I probably wouldn’t have made it through. The depression got severe enough that I had to be put on meds and all my sharp objects were taken away. I found true friendship in a little rodent named Lucky, and I’ve continued to steal and foster them ever since. Animals have always been so much easier for me to relate to. You can bond with them solely through touch and feel their emotions through the tension of their muscles. There aren’t slight social cues or body language that I could miss but an unconditional love that I desperately needed.

Being gay on top of all of this was probably what pushed things over the edge during puberty. I sure as hell didn’t know how to deal with it, or even process it. I honestly don’t remember a lot of high school. I didn’t do much. My health started going to crap my junior year and I was diagnosed with IBS. The rest is kind of a blur. I remember GSA and ceramics, English… but nothing social. I preferred being alone. I spent a lot of senior year building a castle in ceramics for my rats. I stayed after school for homework and other school-related things, but never anything social.I tried going to clubs when I turned 18, but I really didn’t fit into that scene. I would get sick a lot before I went, which sometimes hindered me from even going… but I somehow persisted.

College has really been the major eye opener. I’d always been trying to figure out just what it is that’s so strange about my mental faculties, but it wasn’t until this past month that I was enlightened to all this new information about my early childhood. Not all forms of autism are debilitating, especially if it’s caught early and facilitated well. I was really lucky that my mom worked with special needs kids. She always gave me the attention I required and most of my awkwardness isn’t noticeable. However, I think I can attribute a lot of that to theatre. I used the plays I did to learn how people act in social settings. I could practice being someone else and interacting in a group and it was safe because it wasn’t me, but the character. As hard as I tried though, I was never able to actually feel what the character would and I think that’s one reason I stopped.

It’s not that I don’t have any emotions, because I definitely do. I feel happiness when I accomplish something or someone praises me for whatever reason. Sadness is easy. Anger is harder, but when it does come, it’s very intense. All of my emotions are quite intense, but they’re also fleeting. I can’t hold grudges because I can’t hold onto the emotions tied to it. All of the emotions inevitably fade and I’m not even sure what they feel like until they come back again. I don’t understand complex emotions at all. How people can have opposing emotions at one time is completely beyond me. Happy and sad at the same time? Deep love quickly changing to rage? Nope. Still, I do notice that negative emotions can last a lot longer and be much more powerful. I’ve had some short bursts of intense joy, but they’re few and far between. Most of the time, assuming I’ve been taking my meds, I’m in a content state of nothing and my mood is dependent on my energy level. Without my meds, I’m the brooding monster of grumbleland. I don’t ever know why. Sometimes there doesn’t seem to be a reason for the depression, so I blame it on the imbalance.

I didn’t even realize I was learning emotions when I was younger. I figured everyone learned through observation, and they do to an extent. People generally have the emotions tied to the actions though, which makes it a lot easier. I still have to watch how people react to certain situations and emulate them. I have no emotional empathy. I deal with everything in a logical sense, so emotions are very frustrating for me, especially other peoples’ emotions. I’ve always tried treating people the way I would want to be treated… so I usually do the wrong thing. If I’m upset for any reason, my answer is always seclusion and silence, but apparently people want comfort when they’re upset. This is still very strange to me. I always thought I should feel guilty for not being empathetic… and it bothered me that I didn’t. It’s actually pretty nice being detached from some things, at least for me. I’m sure it’s hard for other people to wonder why I don’t react normally to things. I DO have physical empathy. Pain is one thing I understand without question. I think that’s one reason I’ve relied on it so much. It’s always a certainty and it’s something I can control… well, not really. Depends on the situation. I can’t turn my fibro off, but controlled situations like tattoos and piercings provide a nice outlet. Love is the hardest, but I’ve had a lot of help. There are just so many facets... All I can offer is my loyalty and devotion. I don’t know what else, if anything, is supposed to be involved. I learned jealousy through Denise. I’d never felt that before- Ugliest emotion ever. I know people say anger is a bad emotion too, but that doesn’t make any sense. Why is it bad to feel angry? Sure, it’s not fun, but it’s how you release negative energy. If you don’t allow yourself to get angry, you’re going to explode.

It’s very difficult for me to form strong relationships with people. It’s hard to trust when all I can think about are the ulterior motives of others. I ALWAYS think people have bad intentions or are looking to manipulate others. I haven’t the slightest idea why, but mistrust and cynicism are always my first reactions, to anything really. It’s always such a shock to me when people are interested in hanging out with me or spending time with me. I always think people are lying to me. I think that’s because I have to fake so many emotions that I project my dishonesty onto other people. I guess it’s not really dishonest… I’m just trying to act human. But people terrify me, especially men. I still haven’t figured that one out. I get attached to places and animals more than anything else. I’m so in love with England. *sigh* Something I found interesting, which is common in autism, is the fear of not being let into your special place. Every time I have to go through customs to get into England I have to remind myself that I have proper documentation and they’re going to let me in, otherwise I panic. Objects are easy to attach to, too. I’m very to everything I brought back from Silchester, especially Skull Rock. I find comfort in arranging my little trinkets that have special meaning only to me. It’s like a secret I have…with myself.

I’ve always lived in my head. My imagination has always been so much more interesting than anything else going on. All of my thoughts are pictures, colors, videos- memory replay. I remember things visually. Music is my favorite because very song is like my own little movie. I really like categories and structure. It’s easier for me to understand things that have been strictly categorized and analyzed to their fullest. School was great because it was structured and repetitive. I like rules and guidelines and to know exactly what’s expected of me. I need to be able to have control over my categories and the boundaries aren’t to be played with. Boundaries are never to be broken. It’s almost always unforgivable. There are reasons I keep my spheres separate and unless you’re invited, you best stay in the sphere you belong to. Trust is granted on a deserved basis. If there is a disruption in my categories, boundaries, or structure, I shut down. Any threat to my stability is ridiculously terrifying. I’ve lived a lot of my life in fear because of my inability to cope with change. Travel still makes me sick. New places are cornucopias of stress and anxiety attacks. Surprises are hard, especially when they could possibly threaten my safe spaces. Finding out someone else had a key to the apartment sent me into a ridiculous spiral of pure terror. I need a lot of notice before something is going to be changed, and practicing the change is necessary if I’m going to handle it with any kind of finesse.

When I was at NAU I chose to emulate the WRONG personality and it really got me into trouble. After everything, I had a break in the mental ward and looking back at it, it’s a classic autism tantrum. It started with panic. I had to grip my sweatshirt and rock back and forth so I didn’t lash out and scratch someone. I struggled really hard not to start banging my head against the glass and biting people. It was a complete loss of control. I felt like a wild animal and had absolutely no way to communicate my intense fear to those around me. It wasn’t until I had been sedated that logic started coming back and the fight or flee instinct started to fade. After that incident, I had to be completely resocialized.

I’m a very different person now than I was two years ago. I still have the same basic moral principles, but the way I interact with people has changed. I never wanted anyone to see how hard I struggled to look normal so I had a wall in the way, but I’ve come to terms with the impossibility of being ‘normal,’ and really, no one wants to be normal anyway. What I find most interesting is my ability to look at all of this objectively and analyze myself.

Through all of this, Anna and Amy have put up with SO much of my shit. They helped me get back to who I really am, rather than who I wanted to pretend to be. Anna has been the balance I needed to get back on my feet and stop being scared of the world again. She gave me the capacity to love, something I was afraid I would never really feel. There were always glimmers of a possibility of feeling that way about someone, but never as certain as this. It’s very hard for me to form bonds with people, the same way I do things and places, but they’ve made it easy and have supported me through everything. I don’t know where I’d be without them, or my other amazing friends and family. All I can say is thank you. Maybe now that I know more about my own mental capacity, I think I’ll be able to handle change and new environments better. I hope. I don’t need any repeats of San Francisco. I love you all. You’re wonderful for putting up with me and caring enough to read this.

<3