I like to be completely honest

Whether that's a good thing, I don't really know yet. But I figure it's better than pretending to be something else.

I have a great life. My parents and I have a close relationship. I know I can tell my mom anything. We're financially stable. My friends are absolutely amazing. I haven't had to go through anything too dismal...and yet, I've never really been happy. Well, that's not true, but I don't want to jump the gun. We'll get to that.

I'm definitely not ungrateful for everything I have. There's no lack of love in my life, but I don't feel like I deserve it. I never have. I know this is completely irrational, but even knowing that doesn't change the way I feel.

I've always been way too hard on myself. I've set ridiculous standards that I feel like I should be able to easily achieve. But honestly, I don't know if anyone could live up to them. I still adamantly believe I should.

I try so fucking hard to be a good person, but I have this horrible habit of self destructing when I get close to being happy. Maybe I'm afraid to be happy. After all, once I get there, what do I do? Am I done? Can I maintain it? Is it real?

There was a time in my life where I was happy. I was in the place that I loved, with the woman I loved, doing what I loved. But in the end, I crashed and burned. I know it was no one's fault, it wouldn't have worked in the end anyway, but I still blame myself.

Love is probably the single most important thing to me. I know I have the capacity to give so much, to give my entire self to someone. I've done it, and it has made me happier than anything else. But I don't understand how that could even be partially reciprocated. What have I done to earn that from someone else? I don't feel good enough for someone to feel that way about me. I will still happily give myself to someone else, but I'm afraid my head and my heart will never achieve an equilibrium.

I'm so happy to point out the flaws I have, and completely ignore the positive attributes. I know this is horrible, I'm aware it's unhealthy, but I can't seem to change it. I've struggled with this for so long, and I don't know if I will ever be able to stop arguing with myself. And if I can't come to terms with myself, then I am in no place to even try to love someone else. If I can't give 100% in a relationship, I won't do it. That's not fair to the other person. It's selfish, and I've made the mistake of trying it before. I still feel horribly guilty about that... but no tangents.

I don't know why I feel the need to be perfect. I don't hold that over others. No one's perfect. And I'm definitely not better than anyone else, so why should I keep striving for something that's unattainable? I see all the things wrong with this illogical train of thought, but I'm unable to alter it. Admitting there's a problem is the first step, right? Well what do you do next? How do you fix something that you feel. You can't change the way you feel. Emotions are irrational and spontaneous and amazing... but what if the sentiment is detrimental to your well being? How the hell do you change an emotion?

I have a habit of isolating when I get upset. I know this doesn't help, and spending time with myself when I'm angry with myself gets me nowhere, sometimes even deeper into that hole. But sometimes I revel in my misery. I thrive when I'm depressed. I don't know if it's because I think it's safe (which it's obviously not), or because I'm emotionally masochistic.

I try so hard to figure myself out, and I just can't. I'm always so brooding and oblivious to what's going on around me, and with the people I love, that I come off as arrogant and self absorbed. I am self absorbed in a sense. All I generally think about is how I should be better than I am, why I'm not, and wondering what's wrong with me.

And all of that is just the tip of the iceberg. Inside my head is a nightmare, but I'm too afraid to leave it.