13/1/09

So I was talking about this with Anna the other night. I guess I never realized how bad it was. I always thought it was normal, but after seeing other people thrive, or even just cope with social situations, I realize this isn't even remotely normal.

I've always enjoyed being alone. I've never been overly social. I like to be reclusive, and I could go days without talking to anyone, weeks maybe, and be absolutely fine. In fact, my ideal habitat is alone, in my room, with my rats, playing on my computer and listening to music. I understand that most introverts need time alone, but I seem to have taken it to the extreme. Where some people need 4 hours alone, after one hour of socializing, I need about 12. It's really hard for me to see more than one person a day, not including family, or even do more than one activity outside the comfort of my house. I get irrationally uncomfortable, hideously irritable and downright mean when I'm not given my alone time. I have anxiety attacks, I start twitching or shaking, become nauseated and sometimes sick. I've never really liked people in general, but this keeps progressing. Before I know it, I'll end up being a hermit in the woods, living in a cave and talking to a pet rock.

This, however, only applies to friends and acquaintances. Family isn't included, because I know they don't have any kind of expectations. I don't feel the need to have to talk to them if they're in the room. I know they're not going to think I'm arrogant or rude if I don't chit chat. I've also noticed that this doesn't apply to people I'm romantically involved with. I wanted to be with Rebecca and Denise constantly. They never agitated me and I never felt like they were intrusive. So, I don't understand why I don't want to be around my friends, people I love dearly, as much as I want to be alone. I can't seem to figure it out.

This also coincides with physical contact. I can't stand being touched by anyone, unless again, I like them more than a friend. Hugs make me insanely uncomfortable, even with family. If someone's sitting too close, I'll move, without even really noticing. I refuse to sleep in the same bed as anyone I'm not dating, because it feels wrong and strange. It makes me think I have some serious intimacy issues, and I don't know where that boundary is. Well, I know where it is for me, but I can't gauge where it is for others. I can't read body language to save my life and I'm completely oblivious to any flirting, on my part, or by others toward me. I used to be able to read people so well, but it's like I've shut everyone out and shut down. I'm living on my own little metal bubble. I just assume that I am unlikable, and a solitary unit. I've accepted my isolation and am afraid to lose it. Why? I haven't figured that out either. I guess it's progress to at least recognize the problems, but it's going to take more time to find their roots.

My mom tells me I was like that as a baby. My skin was so sensitive even the softest fabrics would irritate it. Whether the touching thing as simple as that, or some deeper psychological issue, I might never know. I should probably discuss it with my therapist. She always seems to know what's going on. I should probably also stop over analyzing myself... All the solitude gives me too much time to think about my flaws. I guess it's time to try and break out of my comfort zone, at least a little bit. I know I need to re-assimilate, I just don't really know how.