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I used to think I was ridiculously picky when it came to people I chose to be romantically involved with. And yes, there's the basic look- dark hair, light eyes- that makes me drool and stare like a creeper, but that's just me being weird. I've realized I'm not actually that picky, I just know exactly what I want. For a long time, I didn't even think that person existed, so I "lowered my standards," but was still unhappy with the result. I've recently discovered that my ideal match actually DOES exist, thus, there must be more of them out there and I'm not searching for something unattainable. Even though nothing is going to happen between me and said person, just knowing that everything I've ever wanted is actually out there in one amazingly beautiful, intelligent and fucking fantastic woman... I guess it's a relief knowing it's not hopeless. I find comfort in just knowing she's there, somewhere, and I'm not doomed to be alone and brooding forever.

I've also realized that I'm completely ok with being single. In fact, I rather enjoy it. I get to spend more time with me. I don't understand how people can jump from one relationship to another. Are they scared of being by themselves? Do they feel inadequate without someone there reinforcing their worth? How does one cope with that kind of erratic emotional roller coaster? Being single doesn't mean there's something wrong with you... But, unlike many single bachelor/ette(s), I won't get drunk and make out with randoms. I've been there, done that, aaaaaaaaaand- didn't like it. Made a lot of things awkward. I guess I just take that kind of behavior a little more seriously than most. It doesn't bother me that other people do it, but it's not who I am. Kissing someone is one of the most intimate acts and I'm not going to take that seemingly small step with someone I'm not interested in. Sharing saliva for no reason isn't really fun for me. I also get stupidly nervous/ awkward when someone's looking at me like that, and the feeling isn't mutual. I will find any way to slip out such situations. Superior evasion is one of my many acquired skills.

But as much as I love being alone, I can't pretend I'm not lonely sometimes. I really miss having that other person. I wrote this a few weeks ago:

More than anything else, more than having my health, more than living NOT with my parents, more than being in England... I miss being in love.

-When you're living to make someone else happy.
-When their smile is worth absolutely anything.
-When their laugh is the best laugh you've ever heard, and you'd say anything to hear it again.
-When the smell of their hair, their skin, their perfume completely relaxes you and feels like home.
-When you can just hold them for hours, wanting nothing else.
-When every song you hear reminds you of them.
-When stupid things remind you of them, and you have to text them to let them know.
-When you get butterflies every time you see them.
-When every imperfection makes them perfect, and every flaw makes you love them more.
-When you can completely give yourself to them, losing inhibitions and trusting them completely.
-When you want to tell them exactly how you feel, but are too afraid.
-When you never thought you could love someone so much.
-When their voice alone can give you the chills.
-When you know without a doubt that you'd give your life for them.

I think about that everyday. I fantasize about it, dream about it and I find reminders in everything I see and everywhere I go. But it doesn't make me sad that I don't have it, rather, I'm anticipating its return. I still don't think I'm ready to open up like that to someone, but maybe I just need that push or maybe I need to just jump and see what happens. I don't really know. But regardless, I've learned to be content with my situation, whatever it may be. You can't rush something like this. If there is one thing I am will to be patient and wait for, it's love. Because it is ALWAYS worth it.